You could actually probably get a pretty interesting story out of Twilight if “Vampire” was slang for “meth addict”
September 25, 2013
12:56 pm
I dunno about you guys but I am so excited to be emotionally drained and permanently affected by the Breaking Bad series finale this weekend.
One of my friends said he wanted to see a Breaking Bad/Breaking Dawn crossover, so we bopped the idea around and got this.
Wait, vampire isn’t slang for meth addict?
Well, back in the day when the vampire myth was born, opium was the drug of choice(which later heroin was made from). So one could say that meth is the new opium.
I thought religion was the new opium. At least for the masses…
As I understand it religion is more than just garden-variety opium, it’s a refined product comparable to how heroin is more potent and addictive than opium itself generally. It is plausibly an opiate though, like heroin.
no that’s TV
It is either a medical marvel that will cure anyone of anything, or a placebo that will cure anyone of themselves.
The great part is, you get to choose which box to tick on the little container and the method of application: oral, dermal, subdermal, suppository.
The last one has seen increased popularity in recent years.
The Vampire ‘myth’ goes way further back than the Victorian Opium days (Lady Bathory and Vlad Tepes are from around the 14th or 15th centuries)
The vampire myth, actually goes back to about Ancient Sumaria, though not in the version we know today. The Blood sucking undead, as well as the other varieties that appear in other countries, all can be traced back to that time period. With the Sumerian word for vampire was Akhkharu.
Also, Ancient Sumeria is Older then Babylon. It was Babylon that eventually took over the region known as Sumeria.
I learned more history from that then all my years in school.
True that the vampire myth is quite varied and ancient , but the modern permutation , (sans sparkling of course) , is rooted in Ireland ; Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla and Bram Stoker’s Dracula establish the modern template for the more recent regurgitations. Insofar as I understand vampires have more to do with sex than drug use, but seem to remember an excellent eipisode of ‘Urban Gothic’ depicting blood consumption in the vein (:P) of drug addiction. Taking up ‘The Offenders’ truncated Marx quote , It should be noticed that a substantial innovation of the modern vampire story is the proletarianisation of the Vampire character – To wit, they are no longer exclusivly depicted as Aristocrats as they once were. I think I will leave it at that.
Depends on how you define it. Bloodsucking monsters go back a long time. But the modern version of the vampire myth pretty much originates in Victorian times (though actually with someone’s parody of Lord Byron, rather than with Stoker who came later). Older vampires generally bear little resemblance to what most people today would consider ‘traditional’ vampires.
The idea of vampires as sexual predators associated with society’s elite is part of that transformation. Most older vampires are ambush predators, with the occasional siren, but they don’t go to society events and hold titles (or just wealth in the more modern version) like the Dracula breed.
And, sometimes they weren’t even humanoid in the slightest.
Blood addict.
Which reminds me that those vampires in Blade movie (Deacon Frost’s lackeys) are somewhat drug addicts? Cmiiw.
You mean Jared Nomak’s lackeys. The ones that had to feed every 6-8 hours or die.
Ah, yes. That’s the one! Thank you for correcting me ^_^
Vampires come from eating too much corn. No, seriously, look it up.
Perhaps Jesse could have said something else, but that last word at the end definitely feels cathartic. You can remove all the content but that word, or…heck, make that word the punchline, and it’d be perfect.
Well played…well played. One deserves another (such as Wa…I mean, Heisenberg beating Edward AND Jacob with CHEMISTRY!!!!!! I mean, ricin, mercury fulminate…how about synthing some silver nitrate on the wolf-boy and then placing the verbal beatdown on the vamp?
Jesse could not have ended that sentence any other way. It’s how he punctuates sentences, bitch.
A new party game for English majors?
Yes. Absinthe and casual sodomy gets boring after a while.
It still amazes me how this show started off slow and then actually became one of the few shows that has kept me hooked week to week. Really is a great job of character development and over arching plot.
So what is “werewolf” slang for?
The DEA, mabe
Pedo. Definitely pedo.
No, that’s a Were BEAR :P
No, werewolf… I’ve heard the dude wants to do some freaky shit with Bella’s baby girl (though i could be totally wrong because I haven’t actually read it)
You’re missing the joke about a Ped0 & a bear. Ped0 bear :P
White supremacists? Or maybe crazed cartel killers. Or some dude that looks like
Harvey Dent.
I’m an Indonesian, but i want to point out, in a humorous way, that White Supremacists —> KKK —> red necks??
Okay, okay, off to corner i go… =_=;;
I think he’s refferring to the white supremacists who are acting as the primary anatgonists right now. You know, the assholes with swastika tattoos.
Also, the term “redneck” derives from the fact that the southern working class usually ended their days with sunburns on their backs and necks, vis a vis “red necks”.
Italians.
As an Italian, I’m offended by that. You should be more precise and say “Ancient Roman”
Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.
you hate illinois nazis? , puts pedal to the metal
Werewolf = lesbian? *watch Ginger Snaps*
I though werewolf = puberty
Did YOU watch Ginger Snaps? It was about sisters, not incest, and the werewolf curse mirrored menstruation. #2 was about the surviving sister not getting impregnated by a different werewolf, and how you can’t trust insane people. #3 was about ancient myths and prophecy, really just an excuse to use period costume. Where did you see Lesbianism in any of that?
I like the idea that Pinkman’s hugs can kill. Really hope he survives that last episode…
Well, it explains a whole lot. He’s hugged Combo, Jane, Andrea….
How about he hug himself?
Wait, so hug is a euphemism?
The effect is not as high, but much, much longer than the day, week, and three months since I’ve done it. Wow.
Remember that Axe Dark Temptation commercial?
God only knows what THIS would attract.
Well this does make me chuckle. Also makes me wonder if vampires can get cancer, and if so how big a deal it is for them?
If they drink the blood of people with particular types of leukemia maybe? I’m not sure it would make much difference since the drinking of the blood is used for maintaining a grim, undead, mockery-of-life, animated status more than actually having a real metabolism. I don’t know if cancerous blood cells would make any difference whatsoever as long as it fulfilled the magical/ritualistic requirements of blood, perhaps there’s a specialist lurking somewhere who would know more?
I figure, more than likely, drinking from someone with leukemia isn’t particularly dangerous to a vampire. Perhaps they just don’t get any nutrition from that meal, but they don’t suffer from the disease…But may still be a carrier for it & pass it on to other prey.
Yeah, the vampires probably aren’t affected at all (although if they were, they would probably show the symptoms without truly feeling the effects), but they’d definitely be just as bad as a used needle.
You know, I wonder if they might carry other diseases that don’t affect them? It’d be a lot like real life bats, for instance. They often carry rabies, but it has no impact on the bat, even though they can transfer it to any animal they bite (if it doesn’t have it’s shots anyway.)
Oh man… multiple STD ridden vampire… that ‘d be pretty horrific right there. :I
Why yes, that is a widely used plot in Vampire the Masquerade.
A carrier for leukemia? Do you think cancer works like the common cold? It’s not a virus. You can’t catch it from toilet seats either. As for finding a specialist to know about what nutrition a vampire gets from blood or blood from a person with an illness, better pack a lunch to go find one. Maybe he’s hanging out with the Loch Ness monster, because that’s not real either. Cancer is real. Vampires are not. It is so strange to me how many people go into great detail about the fictional monsters but have no clue about the actual second leading cause of death in North America.
As long as we are talking about vampires, are the fangs just sharp, or are they like hypodermic?
Well they’re not hollow. Dracula himself said that we preferred to scrape the skin, then lick the blood off.
Scrape… then lick.
That sounds like the worlds worst blowjob.
How DARE you not get the reference?!
Pfft, nope. Couldn’t do it with a straight face.
Nah, man its cool, we cool.
Hey! Dracula ain’t say you hadda deFEND Dracula! Dracula his OWN man. Dracula don’t need YOU, or yo’ WEB comments! Now if you’ll exCUSE Dracula, there’s a dance club full of red-blooded cuties. Mm, mm, Lotsa scrapin’ and lickin’ tonight.
Not to a masochist.
I think my favorite part here is how the two characters have different art styles based on their series of origin – Bella’s rather plain while Jesse’s detail is more realistic.
Lobo-esque biker girl Bella Swan looks really great, I gotta say.
Say what you will about Jessie, its a guarantee that he would be a better boyfriend than Jacob or Edward.
Now, whether you survive or not is a different matter….
Everything is a better love story than Twilight.
Considering that the comic looks like they’re standing outside during the day, shouldn’t she be combusting by now?
Twilight vampires don’t combust in daylight like normal vampires, they just sparkle like pretty fairy farts.
Also, I’m pretty sure she’s not a vampire at this point. But, given how pale her skin is, you’d expect her to at least get sunburned in the middle of the desert.
Last I heard from riffing websites, Bella dies because Edward fucks her until she births an alien cannibal baby, so nyyeeeh..
Yeah, Reneesme is like the demon lovechild of a xenomorph and a genestealer. Between the bloodlust, the spine snapping and the mind whammy she put on Jacob, I’d say it was time to break out the flamethrower.
So will it be a story about a chemistry teacher turned underground blood-bank kingpin selling his signature blue blood, and not to mention the purest product out there, to vamps all across the southwest? Can’t wait till he expands his business and reaches as far as Transylvania.
Vampire is slang for Meth Addict wait, isn’t this the plot of the BBC Version of “Being Human”? Oh, no wait. That was just Vampire was a metaphor for meth addict.
It’s certainly less creepy than the real Vampire Metaphor which is for rapists. Which given the Twilight following is really messed up.
Long time comic reader, first time commenter. I found the fattest pigeon the other day. I immediately took a photo and thought of this comic. I will upload it or something to show it. It was so fat that I thought it was a chicken at first.
Everyone says “Twilight is better if you…”.
The real challenge is to think of something that could make it worse.
Having Micheal Bay direct it.
No, wait, that would just make it awesome.
Have Justin Beiber star in it?
Actually, that might make it funny, if only in a ‘it’s so bad it’s good’ way.
Every detail of the plot and characters remains the same, except that Bella Swan is 13 years old, instead of 17.
Ah, so, rip-off Shakespere? Could work.
they could talk about their feelings? They have one or all of them being baptized? They kill each other with water? Bella’s dad turns out to be an incubus? No, that last one would be awesome. This is hard.
Making it worse is easy….
First you get M. Night Shyamalan to do a re-write, then get Uwe Boll to direct it, then replace the three main cast members with The Rock (werewolf guy), Paris Hilton (as the Glampire of course ), and Rob Schneider ( as Bella )
Have terrible Irish pop duo Jedward do the soundtrack. But make do it serious, which they have no concept of. So basically it’s just them going “Dun dun duuuuuuun! OMG u guyz this is like sooooooo dramatic like. OMG. Yeeeeaaah! JEDWARD!!!” over a few scenes.
It would be worse if everyone sparkled or just thought of it as -normal-.
I’m pretty sure that’s just a bad shoujo anime.
OH I KNOW! :D! All the same with all the same characters, but it was a musical! MUHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
The two male actors might get by, but everyone KNOWS having that Steward girl sing would be like…well that’s just asking to bleed from every facial orifice.
Bella finds a way to magically restore her virginity? Bella finds a way to make all the vampires human? The vampires and werewolves make peace because of Bella? Wait…
If only it didn’t already use so many Mary Sue tropes, this wouldn’t be so hard.
Yeah, Bella was designer-written to be Miss Super Special Awesome to a point where the sugar is all that’s left, no spice, nothing “nice”… and plain sugar is boring. Shortening the books would be a blessing, lengthen them instead. Remove any vestigal traces of anything actually happening other than “Bella is beautiful, Edward is beautiful, we are therefore a perfect love” for ten thousand pages… longer than the plot-overstuffed A Song Of Ice And Fire.
Have the entire soundtrack replaced by looping, grinding, out of place, techno music, that while failing to drown out the insipid as fuck dialogue, constantly makes its presence known by being loud enough to be unignorable
Is… is that supposed to be Jesse White? Walter Pinkman?
If only the comics were tagged with the names of the characters featured!
…Oh, wait! They are!
twilight – not even once.
Crushed meth rocks. Oh boy, that’s explains the hook of the book.
Geese, what happened to this comic…
It actually used to be good. :(
No one’s forcing you to read it.
This comic isn’t bad; you are just hallucinating that it is bad.
I can tell because you are talking to non-existent geese.
YEAH! Tell him Squid! He’s got a stupid face that looks like a butt!
Instead of Breaking Bad, you could call it Breaking Damn. Its just turning the ‘W’ upside-down
You should put Freddie Mercury in your comic. There is very few more macho than him. Plus he’s a legend.
Mercury was so manly that only other men could satisfy him.
“Back in my day, vampires didn’t sparkle, Pluto was a planet, and blowing into video game cartridges WAS mainstream!”
Ha, ‘cos he’s rolling in it, literally.
Is the 42 in the title (35+7) an intended nice touch for extra nerdiness, or just a coincidence because there’s no Element starting with D/Da?