Help me I’m trapped in the Food Network
August 1, 2011
12:00 am
This one is dedicated to Carlos Ferro because he’s a bro and when I carpooled with him once he totally upsold me on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (not to be confused with Fox’s Kitchen Nightmares, which is a testament to how much of a difference sound and video editing makes)
Also inspired by those days where I would say to myself “Hey, I need to kill an hour before class, I guess I’ll see what’s on the food network”, then as the sun was setting think to myself “Well, guess I didn’t really need to go to school today anyway.
So….many…swears……
Seriously, that guy can run his mouth, and then some.
They need to replace the disclaimer. It should not say this show can have violence or harsh language, it should just say this show contains Ramsay.
Rated R for RAMSAY
Well played.
He’s got such a dirty mouth that his kitchen is always on the verge of being shut down due to sanitation violations…
There’s swearing in almost any job you’re in though.
My work place? As long as no one important is around, whatever goes.
Heck, the main boss swears in everyday conversations. haha
I work at a bakery and the rules are very lax. I once got into a philosophical debate with another employee and a customer, and the customer walked out having bought a $100 dollar cake instead of the $20 cake she’d originally wanted, as well as a bunch of merchandise that I honestly don’t remember suggesting half of, even though I was the one helping her. That sale was $147.61, and I think I’ll always remember it for being the most forgotten sale.
(Necro, I know.)
My wife was a high end pastry chef in a high end establishment for decades- she’s a hell of a tough whatever.
I’d bet good money that she could make Ramsay cry like a little girl if he f*cked up in *her* kitchen! When she gets that look in her eyes I make myself scarce.
Only a foolish fool would invite Gordon Ramsay into their kitchen and their home. :( He’s just not a very nice person. And there’s nothing manly about swearing and screaming. Unless, you know, you’re in battle or something. There’s no need to kick off just because the meat is raw or the pasta is over-cooked.
Masamune you must not understand but, the kitchen is a battleground for the SOUL! It’s the perfect place to show of your manly cooking skills as your hot-blooded passion prepares the most delectable of nutritious and hearty meals to fuel INTENSE MARATHON ASS-KICKING’S! Ramsay’s rage is perfectly justified as the people he encounters dare to so blatantly defile the sacred art of COOKING without which we would have to eat food raw, which is actually pretty manly but will eventually send you to the hospital. I hope this inspires all potential chef’s to keep their cupboards well-stocked, the food tasty, and the kitchen so clean the mere sight of it sends germs CRYING to their momma’s!
I’m just gonna go ahead and add this to my list of Favorites Things Ever Said Ever.
*Gets the jar ready* ….EPIC.
Still not a fan of Mr Ramsay, but I feel like I understand him a little bit more now. XD
The angry and the swearing is just all editing. If you watch the British version of Kitchen Nightmares, there is a major lack of both. The producers of the US version just play it up for ratings. Plus if you found out that you just ate food from some of the horrifying states some of those kitchens are in, you’d be flipping pissed too.
I read this in Soldier’s voice.
MAGGOTS
Holy crap, you made cooking sound badass…lol
When food is your business, yeah, that kind of stuff is really bad. The American version makes him look like the John K of cooking, though.
He actually isn’t that bad of a person. Yes, he does swear a lot but ultimately he really does care about the kitchens he goes to. This is even more evident in the UK version. Episode 1 of Season 4 I think really shows just how much he cares about helping people turn their failing business around. He was so frustrated at the owner/chef in that episode he wanted to leave, but after hearing that they had gotten robbed (due to owner’s own stupidity I might add!) he came back and was like “alright, I’ll help but you really need to put the effort in.” The UK version is a LOT better than the US. It only really focuses on the drama, which is sad because the UK version basically gives help/tips to those on the show but those at home.
Oh…so basically he’s like Holmes (from Holmes on Homes) only much angrier, and cooking instead of building houses.
Hmm…maybe I should try finding the UK version of his show, just to give it a shot.
Also, why do I have a sneaking suspicion that Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares might contain hypnotic messages?
Think of him like a Mary Poppins Drill Sergeant for shitty restaurant managers.
SuperNanny… For the Kitchen.
I’m gonna add that title to the top of my current resume.
I foresee hundreds of job offers.
I-
Words cannot describe how much I love that sentence.
I want that on a t-shirt and a mug.
With an illustration of Ramsay wearing an army uniform but carrying Mary Poppins’ umbrella.
… Fuck, I think I have to draw that now.
Drew it to get it out of my head.
If anyone’s interested;
http://arkane-wolf.deviantart.com/art/My-only-regret-is-the-quality-251643405
Sorry about the quality.
All I can think of is a panel from a Manly Guys a while back where Jared was frothing at the mouth at how cool Commander Badass’ action figure was.
That is how I feel about this picture.
From what I’ve seen, I believe Gordon Ramsay is a casual swearer. So yes, he swears a lot on the show, but there’s a pretty high chance that he also just swears a lot generally.
It’s damn good television, though.
Most people in the UK are casual swearers. Its not that we get pissed or anything, we just swear sometimes…….well, quite a lot.
This is ridiculously true. Hell, I started swearing in GERMAN recently just because I couldn’t manage to not swear around small children.
And now I do that more than swearing in English. Oops.
in any Restaurant or any Kitchen. there is swear. for any god given reason.
i would know i’ve worked in 2 different kitchens on 2 different ends of the spectrum (country club and Chinese Restaurant) by god someone is cussing about something…or yelling there’s a lot of yelling too
D–n straight there’s swearing in kitchens. In fact, there’s swearing in ANY typical food related industry. My wife is a professional baker, and she and her fellow “ladies” can swear like a crew of stevedores when they get going. Makes us guys sound like wimps.
Also watch Masterchef, hes actually nice (usually) in that one
He’s actually a pretty nice guy. I met him for like one minute where a bunch of us were queueing up to get books signed. They were talking about weird meat like reindeer and kangaroo. He was like “Would you eat kangaroo meat?” And I was like “Why not?” and he signed my book and said thanks and that was it really. Pretty normal kinda dude.
He has a lot of bluster in his professional life (especially TV – the newer episodes he really lays it on thick). Think about it, under all the insults, he is going to really shitty restaurants to try & help them become successful again. Whether it is your TV show or not, you have to be a generous type of guy to have the patience to stay at one of those places for longer than 5 minutes.
Plus, the constant swearing? He’s Scottish… they are well versed in swearing ALL the time. i should know being 1/4 scottish myself xD
Sings of fandom: the Commander appeared in my dream last night. Not much happened, just a bunch of people on a ship, and I don’t even remember what he said though I know I spoke with him. Annoying only remembering little bits of dreams. I was quite surprised when I woke up, I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed lately and was more expecting for Altaïr to show up if anyone… not that I’m complaining.
This comic is so great it has successfully invaded my subconscious, and I only found it like a month ago. Thanks for all the laughs!
My guess of what he said is;
“Okay, I know you were expecting Altair, but he held up at the airport during a ‘random’ inspection. He asked me to fill in for him.”
He basically had to strip to get the airport security to let him through.
But I’m sure nobody there was complaining xD
o_>
Hope you’re having a blast on your vacation!
So, I’ve been having to help move stuff out of my dad’s house that he’s lived in since I was 7. I grabbed a black garbage back of old stuffed animals and put it in my car. Later on, I was driving some friends to the movies and the one in the back seat started rifling through the bag. He pulled out one Beanie Baby after another and would make some comment on it.
I was driving around with a sack full of Beanie Babies.
Mean ol’ Mr Ramsay needs to chill.
He needs more ponies in his life.
I hope those ponies are of the cupcake making variety
Gordon Ramshoof’s Cupcake Nightmares?
I’d watch it.
better- TIVO THAT SHIT.
I know that as a part of a joke there has to be a place for Jared on the couch, but isn’t Commander sitting a bit too close to Dom? It looks a bit unconfortable how their arms are touching – it’s more normal for humans to sit a bit apart from others unless they’re hugging and those two are obviously not.
Yeah, I am overanalysing a bit, sorry.
Real men dont care about sexuality (and what is gay/not gay)
Real men just want to watch tv with their mates
Real men are a giant mythological dragon
I hear that. Although, being a giant dragon sometimes makes it hard to live day-to-day. Being mythical doesn’t help much either.
Real men are a giant mythological dragon? Wait, but aren’t myth and real contradictions? Why are dragons automatically men? What about female dragons? How does one propagate a species with all males? Why does my head hurt? Why can’t I think? AHHHH! *vanishes*
The alternative would be a giant couch, and then someone, somewhere, would point out that couches don’t come that big or something.
A hypothesis…
Commander sits in the middle to avoid worn-out springs on the left (from our perspective) of the couch.
Heavy guys like this probably go through a sofa every couple of months (i wear them out pretty quick too, and check chairs aren’t labelled as for people weighing under 20 stone only). And that side is probably the most used, so it’s worn out first.
Light, skinny Jared can get away with sitting there, but he’s still sinking pretty low relative to Commander and Dom, given how much less he weighs.
Truly manly guys are unafraid of contact with other guys; it’s no threat to their manliness. :-)
Do I know you Jim? :D
Thus is the power of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare– Men touching each other!
…
I need to test this hypothesis. BRB
It makes it easier for me to copy-paste the art and add Jared that way.
At the end of the day, that is the only reason you need. This is your art and you will damn well do with it what you want. Anyone doesn’t like it they can man-up (or woman-up) and deal with it.
I’m just waiting for the animated full length feature film version.
How many swears can a man fit in one breath?
This amuses me greatly ^.^
Panel three. XD
We are Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares!
Manly men have no need of your social norms.
Hehe.. And Mr. Fish continues to be awesome. Any comic he’s in really makes my day. Loving that face haha :D
“bubblebubblebubble”
“not now! Ramsey!”
*commences watching with fishyfishface*
I have my reasons to avoid all “reality” shows.
Must be a really bloody good reason to avoid RKN… unless it’s the US version. Then I understand perfectly.
(Recently got into the show myself. Blimey its good.)
Original Version: a dude who knows his shit cusses a kitchen into shape, often heartwarming
Fox Version: an asshole ruins idiot’s lives with dramatic music I think there’s cooking?
Precisely. Watch the UK version.
For bonus points, check out the time he went up against James May in a weird foods challenge: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xhfJRdwHnU
Agreed, only watch it on BBC America.
About 60% of the world doesn’t get BBC America. Not everyone has the same cable or satellite TV. I know that BBC America is in the PREMIUM package for my cable network, which is $19.99 more than I’m paying for Extended cable. So I only get up to Telemundo, which is nine channels UNDER BBC America.
Netflix streaming has it too.
The UK version?
Yeah, Hulu has the Fox one for free, Netflix has the UK one. I don’t have cable at all, I just stream a lot of Netflix stuff.
I’ll have to watch the Netflix one, then. I was not aware that was there. Thank you.
So what it was originally here is a celebrity served wierd food?
No, that clip was from the F Word which is a different Ramsay show.
That clip is awesome! Being upstaged like that is brilliant.
Also, if u´r familiar with Ramsay, u soon learn he´s a really warm and caring person. He just expresses himself rather… colourful.
I think what’s interesting is that he comes off as being a condemning individual on the TV, but when they like interview him outside the show, you find out he’s actually trying not to be condemning.
Ramsey yells because some people’s heads are so damned thick that’s what it takes to get through to them. Like the Mexican place he brought out the GARBAGE BIN holding their refried beans and hefted it up on the table for all the customers to see. “This is what you’re eating!” Shudder…
That’s the Fox version. He seems a lot less on the verge of a heart attack or something in the UK version. He still cusses a lot, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because he’s Scottish.
I Was going to put a longer comment, but Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares came on.
I have the same problem when Tony Bourdain is on Travel Channel…
I missed you Mr. Fish!
I think Gordon Ramsay would totally try to fillet a Gyarados, though.
I do cook , and frankly most of the things that happen in that show are from ludicrous to plain wrong, I see it to see the amazing restraint that Ramsey demonstrates. And that is saying something.
Hahaha, this comic is so true.
…This is exactly what happened to me yesterday. I sat down, turned on BBC America, and watched Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares for 4 hours. I couldn’t leave…
Maybe I’ll have to give the show a try.
Speaking as a chef, I adore this. And I am equally guilty of “whoops, there goes the next hour” many times over.
I think the comment worked as a better punchline here.
I would just like to say I would watch literally anything with Ramsay in it.
The british version is on Netflix Streaming now. FYI.
ramsay is kind of mesmerizing…
…this is my life lol!
The show is a bit like a trainwreck sometimes…you just can’t look away…
I’ve watched the UK version on Netflix so very many times. I don’t care much for the American version though. It’s more like “Ramsay’s Family Counseling…with Swears.”
Hell’s Kitchen is my favorite vehicle for Gordon Ramsay however.
I like Mr. Fish’s bubble talking.
Apparently, he’s a pretty nice dude in real life.
I know this because Internet.
I can actually believe that very easily. One of my teachers has talked to actors who play villains, monsters, and ugly people in general in movies and he says that they’re very pleasant with a healthy sense of humor. He has also spoken to comedians and says that they actually punch clock on funny. If you catch them off stage, they’ll be tired, not jokey, and quite surly. I think when you play a part, you vent certain emotions there.
Someone send this to Epic Games to give them an idea on how to cheer Dom up! He clearly needs it.
…I’m lazy.
The exact same thing used to happen to me with Iron Chef. The Japanese version, though. With all the weird ingredients, terrible translations, blatant prejudice of the judges, and the chairman biting into a bell pepper. They always did such a great job of showing the tension and pressure the chefs were under.
I would’ve paid so much to see Gordon Ramsey on the Japanese Iron Chef. Can you imagine?
“And today’s special ingredient is…..EEL FARTS!”
“Bloody —-ing hell! What in the blue blazing —- is an eel fart? Are you people sh–ing me!? Aw, —- it. Give me that knife.”
There was a restaurant in my town that was supposed to be on that show, but it went under during preliminary filming. The camera crew actually came and ate at where I worked at the time.
I fukin’ loved that show. Seeing that man tear people apart, then build them back up… Amazing. Especially since he actually made most places a part of the community by buying local and capitalizing on the freshness of such bounty!
Eh, I just don’t like Ramsay. Yeah sure he’s got a reputation to uphold and has every right to, but given his shows and the way he acts makes me believe he’s just an uptight arse with too much fame. Nothin’ manly about that. The real manly stuff is when you make manly meals and I’m not talking the cholesterol nightmares posted on Youtube. I’m talkin’ about cooking for your family and making it fun. Cookin’ in your backyard by throwing a bitchin’ barbecue party and pulling it off damn well. Then again I suppose I have my own views of manly and Gordon Ramsay isn’t one of them.
Around where is “northern canada?” And if you say toronto i’ll probably call you names.
Further North than where they stop paving the roads because the muskeg isn’t stable enough to build on. Just far enough south of Churchill that we still have trees.
Was actually reading Shenzhen by Guy Delisle today and got to the part where he is talking about how Canada really needs to figure out where its northern border is. Where would you say it is? Arctic Circle?
The Arctic archipelago and however many kilometers of ocean is customarily considered domestic water. putting the Northern border at the Arctic circle would cut out a good deal of the North West Territories and Nunavut.
If you’re talking about what’s considered “Northern Canada”, at least in Manitoba they call it once you pass the sign that says you’re entering the Norman Region.
I agree with Dissius. But Mr.Fish looks adorable :> And Commander reminds me so much of my friend Chris.
I can’t wait for gears of war 3 :D Bit disappointed that I only get that Dom, only in pre-order.
Was just watching this yesterday with my mom! He was in a local restaurant, so we went to look it up to go eat there. Come to find out they had to bring him back a second time, and then it went under like two months after the second episode aired… Seems to happen every time they feature something in our area :<
I have to admit. Whenever that show pops up on TV I can’t help but drop everything I was doing and watch. . .
My last thought is that someone walks up to fish and he just eats them.
My boyfriend has become recently addicted to this show. I know how Mr. Fish feels.
I would have been first, but Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares was on…
This comment was going to be witty, but Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares was on.
This is ultimately how I feel with every Gordon Ramsay show.
Ramsy’s kitchen nightmares is awesome
Also… CANADA FTW! :D
DAMMIT. Kitchen Nightmares. I can’t get away from the TV when that comes on, either. o.o
Oh man, if I’ve got something I need to do, and I know Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares is coming on, I have to turn the TV off. I can’t leave it on, ’cause I’ll just wander back through and plop down on the couch.
Also, thank God for BBC America.
What a way to be sucked in. Damn you Gordon Ramsey for your terribly addictive shows!
*sits down, watches*
Th-….That stare…@_@
Oh, the many hours I’ve sunk into Food Netwo– wait, hold on, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.
Let no one ever claim that cooking is not manly business.
Hey dom, shouldnt you be looking for your wife?
I know he’s not really like that in real life, but pn screen Ramsey scares the crap out of me >>
Just wait, this will be shopped to pony.
It will happen.
It was already pony in my head.
Man, Food Network has come a long way from when I first started watching.
When I started watching, they had a segment for random chefs on there, and Bobby Flay and Emeril were both like bumbling around the kitchen. And then a year later, Emeril had his own show, and Bobby Flay was hosting another one. Insert one Alton Brown and the entire network really took off.
What I don’t like is shows like Chopped. I already hate reality TV, so those “OMG DRAMA RANDOM DISHES ANGST ANGST” shows are not my thing. Although Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmare is more entertaining than drama.
The “LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE HISTORY OF TOOTSIE ROLLS” type shows are the ones that always snag me.
It’s the same with the History Channel’s “How Something is Made” type shows.
TV: Today, we’ll show you how they make artificial sink sponges and hairbrushes.
Me: (Sits down and stares)
I understand this one so well… who would ever care about a sink sponge that much except at that moment…
Also CAKE BATTLES. Cake is not that fucking interesting okay guys stop it.
Food Network, why have you betrayed me? What is this Sandra Lee bullshit? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COOKING
Cupcake Wars is an even dumber concept.
I love watching Cupcake Wars while eating cupcakes.
The cake shows are only interesting when they have a really bizarre theme. Like, “TIME TO MAKE TIM BURTON THEMED CAKES” and someone tries to make a five story Batman cake.
Otherwise, yes. Shows about people competing to make wedding cakes or other boring cakes is really, really boring. But definitely better than OMG EXTREME COOKING CHALLENGE BETWEEN ROOKIE CHEFS WITH EXTREME DRAMA!
When is Good Eats on? I haven’t seen it lately. I haven’t seen Mythbusters lately either. It’s like all the good shows are being crowded out of TV by reality shows.
Wait…how in the hell is Mr. Fish able to move about those offices?!
portals, nuf’ said
If I remember right, I watched this man once, on one show. And he was having like a cook off with someone else. He was losing, and he started to verbally attack his opponent, pretty much even just making fun of her for having a name that sounded like a candy bar.
He’s just a foul mouthed person imo. Nothing manly about him.
That and I’d rather waste my time watching Smoking Gun presents World’s Dumbest.
Ramsay is not god, or even a decent 5 stars chef. It’s really all in the attitude
I noticed that in every episode of UK Kitchen Nightmares, Ramsay takes off his shirt on camera at some point.
I’m not sure how to feel about this, but it struck me as odd.
sorry but….this time i dont really get the joke D:
also, would like to make a request if possible, its the scene of invader zim in the christmas special where he says to minimoose stop being jolly, would love to see the scene with jared and captain badass
Z: you
mm: :D
Z: stop being jolly
mm: D:
That’s the joke. Only about a Food Network show with a very condemning chef guy.
Whoops, it cut the top half of my post off. I said:
Insert any TV show that seems like it would not be mesmerising, and you get hooked anyway.
This was me when I was 5 with the discovery channel. They owned me.
Too bad Discovery Channel started to get more and more apocalyptic. Now every show is about dying, dead, frantic moments, cheating death. What happened to discovering the world? Death Channel sounds more appropriate.
BUT SHARK WEEK OWNS MY SOUL
That happened to me with the History channel. It used to tell you everything you wanted to know about American history, world history in general. I used to record their shows on tape and get into arguments with my dad about historical facts, and then we would have to consult “The Tapes.” Now it’s mostly just conspiracy theories and shit about space Nazis or sumthin. I’ve reverted over to the Science channel now.
Really? These days, the History Channel seems to be more like the Science channel. “THIS IS HOW THE UNIVERSE WAS MADE!” Every time I see that kind of show on it, I can’t help but think, “technically, yes, this IS history, but what happened to the stuff that was more human in scope?”
I can’t help but wonder what in the world Mr. Fish actually wanted, and how Jared was able to understand him….is Jared a Fish Whisperer!? :O
When you have a pet long enough you start to understand what all of its little quirks mean. My lovebird has more or less figured out how to pilot my mother, she’s so in-tune with all of his little complainy peeps.
Hmm…that’s very true. I’ve got a small dog who stares at me and makes little whisper-barks until I figure out what it is he’s wanting. I guess it’s the same thing here. XD
I wish I had that talent. I’ve had my cat for nine years and the most I can understand is “How DARE you pick me up! I’ve been stuck with you for nine years and you KNOW how much I hate cuddling! Now release me this instant or I’ll maul off your arms!” The problem is she so soft and pretty that I can’t resist cuddling her.
you pretty much described my cat expression when i pick him up
Is it me, or can you guys see the Commander being voiced by the guy who voices Joe Swanson from Family Guy and Brock from Venture Bros (Patrick Warburton)? And Jared by Egoraptor (from newgrounds)
Actually, I just voice the Commander myself in as low and gravelly a manner as I can muster. I’m quite the voice actor in my own head.
Actually, I hear Coach McGurk’s/Archer’s voice (Jon Benjamin) when I read the Commander’s parts. And I hear Brendan Small’s voice when I read Jared’s.
Jon Benjamin’s parts he plays are too….juvenile (?). Patrick Warburton is funny cuz he’s like maturely retarded (See Joe Swanson lol)
Food Network is like TvTropes. Your day, no, your week, will dissolve away. In what felt like five minutes to you.
Were I in the Commander’s position, I would totally be getting my ass kicked by my future self.
For that matter having my future self come back in time to kick my ass would do wonders for my procrastination issues.
But I digress. I’ve never seen this show and honestly am none too enthralled with Food Network.
No, see the problem is that if Future Commander came back to kick Present Commander into doing work, Future Commander would be mesmerized into watching Gordon Ramsey’s show to completion too.
Watching Hell’s Kitchen now… Whoever said this show ain’t manly, obviously hasn’t seen the show O.o This show is seriously intense…
That’s me. Totally me. Although it goes beyond Food Network, and into Discovery, HGTV, and a few others.
God, this is so funny. Easily one of my favorites, because that’s how I am when that show is on. Great comics :)
I am going to steal that shirt Jared is wearing.
Haha.
Also, (kinda) new reader here!
This comic is E- err.. AMAZING!
I’m new. This is pretty much the best fucking thing ever. Hit the current entry, hit previous, saw this, DIED, hit “Archives” and read the whole thing in order (twice), then hit this page again and immediately made it my desktop image. Not a gamer, don’t even recognize half the characters, but it is still SO GOOD. Mr. Fish and the Commander both need a Google+ page so I can tell them how much I looooove them.
Holy SHIT! Mr. Fish is FOCUSED!
Mr. Fish bears some similarity to Jason Momoa. They both have a slight squint.
Even if you don’t like cooking related shows you can like this one.
I wonder if this is what Dom and Maria used to watch…
Rest is peace Dom… *sniff*
Dear God…
I first heard of the show here, decided to check it out, and now I can’t stop watching it. My personal life is being neglected as I binge my way through the episodes. I don’t know whether to thank or hate you.
On the other hand hatred is probably the less manly of the two options, so I shall go with the former. Please, accept my utmost praise and gratitude, O great and mighty being known as Coelasquid.
I brought Cutthroat Kitchen back to my family when I came for a visit and this happened pretty much every day.