Turkeys are the most simultaneously ugly and pretty animal I can think of
January 11, 2016
2:40 am
man a whole whirlwind of things went down this weekend, really feeling that emotional whiplash. Hard to finish working on silly cartoons with all that news about Bowie swirling around.
Now Jet has to gut the turkey with his teeth in order to be alpha again
I dunno dude. Turkeys can be pretty tough.
But they are also delicious, so it’s worth the risk. I’d fight a turkey with my bare hands for that tasty tasty meat.
Have you ever tried to hold a turkey? Imagine a rooster with bigger claws. And generally not happy.
Grab it from behind at the base of the wings. Thank you, FFA turkey wrangling.
But think about this. With all the beasts and super soldiers in this jungle how has this turkey survived?
The same way they have since they evolved from dinosaurs
with their laser beam eyes
Exactly. That turkey is probably the most dangerous thing there and should be feared. Don’t fuck with the fear turkey.
Why would I want to fuck a turkey? Donkeys are where its at.
Alright, I’ll grab Alucard to do that. And maybe a new episode will be up by the time he gets around to it.
XD I instantly got that. Bravo, sir.
Hmm the grabbing them from behind and “Turkey Wrangling” from phantomlink1995 now takes on a whole new weird angle now.
Sometimes, there are reply-trees that just have to be archieved.
Like this one.
But I am not sure where.
I had pet turkeys at one point. It was as easy as dump chopped cabbage and spinach on the lawn and peep at them. XD No wrangling required.
I’ve heard that wild turkeys are meaner than peacocks, and they fight dirty
The cloaca?
He’ll get it back come November……
I dunno. Maybe Jet might benefit from some learning some of Jared’s training techniques…
Lets hope not. I don’t want to see Jet swinging Princess around to batter hapless animals, in an effort to get her to evolve.
Although that would at least have a tendency of re-establishing Jet as the Alpha…
Step 1. Challenge turkey to a dance battle
Step 2. Win dance battle, regaining status as alpha
Step 3. Graciously accept turkey’s admiration, and allow to join gang.
Step 4. Teach turkey how to ride a minibike
Step 85: Attempt to stop turkey from teaching other turkeys how to ride minibikes.
…
Step 172: Avoid roving gangs of vengeful turkey biker gangs, bent on filling all humans with stuffing.
Step -4: Go back in time to stop the robotic turkey that the turkeys sent back in time to kill Jared’s parents.
Step -3: Compromise with the Robotic Turkey to kill them only after Jared meets the Commander, thus letting it fulfill it’s mission and keeping Jared around at the same time.
Step -2.7.3: attempt to convince The Fattest Pigeon to not throw down in a cage match against the Chosen Turkey.
Step 42: Fail step -2.7.3 because its too cute.
Step 296: Nuke the site from orbit. (It’s the only way to be sure.)
Step 300: Live in holes and hope the giant radioactive turkeys don’t find you.
Step 40000: hail Jared as the chosen prophet of Helix, Dome, and Amber, and watch as he ushers in a golden age of manly men
Wok wok woo
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble. One of us! One of us!
Read that in Flammie’s voice from Secret of Mana
Also it is a nice surprise to see Commanders without his glasses
It’s a nice reminder that he indeed has a forehead ;D
Wait what about Bowie?
…No no no no no. I did not need to read about this at work.
My first and only celebrity crush, amazing singer and more.
It’s tragic, but Kelly produces these throughout the week. As unfortunate as the events of today might be, we can’t expect an homage to be produced on the day the comic is published.
I don’t think they meant “why didn’t you make a comic about Bowie” but that they didn’t know yet and just found out.
Yeah I don’t need to see a bunch of comics and images made in his honor. To be honest I kinda hate seeing it when it’s part tribute and big part getting likes on social media.
I didn’t know until I got up to go to work and did my Monday morning update comic checks, I found out here. I had Bowie’s songs stuck in my head all day to keep me cheery enough until I got home and kinda broke down.
I have felt sad that other celebrities died, but Bowie is the first I’ve ever actually cried over.
I’m almost glad that I’ve spent the weekend throwing up. I can only imagine how this news would have hit me if I was in a GOOD mood today.
I misunderstood your comment at first, because I hadn’t been aware of his passing yet, so I thought you were putting forward David Bowie as “the most simultaneously ugly and pretty animal I can think of,” and I thought, “that’s a little harsh.”
I would read this comic SOLELY for the adventures of the Wok-wok raptors!
ditto ditto
SPINOFF TIME
“This week on Wok-Wok Raptors:
Jet takes sub-contract with a courier company, but how much can the Raptors carry? (Special Guest appearances by Commander B52 and Kratos! Filmed live in front of a studio audience)
also The Wok-Wok Raptors sounds like a great name for a band
A motorbike band with leather jackets!
with shakos!
Or a paleo diet Chinese stir fry place.
Paleo-diet and Chinese stirfry-two foods I never thought to see together. I’d try it.
Yeah l’m totally confused by this I mean he could teach the Raptors to ride mini bike , to steal armor , come he loses out to a wild turkey as far as leadership goes?
The turkey is prettier than he is :P
And a more charismatic speaker.
I get the feeling he might led them to it to let them run wild at the end of things for all I know.
If you’ve ever accidentally surprised/pissed off a group of wild turkeys while hiking, you’d understand.
Yeah considering where I live that’s not going to happen
They are big, strong birds whose ancestors saw fit to give them little knives on their feet, possibly just to spite people who insist that the dinosaurs are all dead. Turkeys are like the land-based equivalent of swans (except swans have a much better PR team, and lack spurs).
Normally, wild turkeys will run off and hide from humans, but if there’s a place where they keep encountering people, or where people are leaving food or actively feeding and interacting with them, they can become quite fearless and aggressive.
As someone who has been chased by angry turkeys expecting food, I can honestly say that they are frightening yet beautiful.
Plus, unlike chickens, a fit turkey can actually fly. Not very high or very fast grant you, but still scary as all hell when those demons decide that despite peacefully living on your campus for years, today is the day to begin avenging their fallen kin. I swear we must have domesticated some sort of omnivore bird of prey when it cones to turkeys.
Considering that I was carrying hotdogs at the time, I swear that they have adapted to consuming the flesh of various mammals.
Allow me to paint a picture-a flock of half-feral turkeys roosting in a tree devoid of leaves near the entrance to a hospital. A visitor walks pass bearing steaming meat in a bun. The shrieks of ER patients suddenly filling the air, the visitor looks back to see plump, glossy, feathery figures rise from the small tree to give chase, laughter, screams and demonic turkey noises filling the winter air.
It’s like The Birds, only more terrifying/hilarious.
Like ‘The Birds’, only turkeys can mess you up in ways a bunch of little bitty birds can only dream of.
Looked it up. Turns out wild turkeys are in fact omnivorous and eat at least small lizards and amphibians, so they might have been mugging you for the meat. Also, apparently turkey-hens have been recorded to fight off hawks on occasion. Damn but that just makes them scarier.
And makes them cooler.
When mankind lies dead, the turkeys shall rise and all of the earth shall be under their dominion.
Considering that a) there numbers only started to drop originally because we showed up and have since more than recovered and b) we’ve all but eliminated every other natural predator of turkeys, this feels like a scarily accurate statement.
Well the really good animal trainers make it look like the animal isn’t trained at all.
Jet should take lessons from Jared.
Do you think if you beat enough animals to death with a veleciraptor it will evolve into a trex if you followed the Jared path
yes
…that’s a comic that just writes itself. Jet and Jared talking, then Jet running around hitting people with the raptors, making little explosions of pink feathers, then the last panel him riding his T-Rex up to his brother…only his brother has already turned the T-Rex into Robocop. Sadly, T-Rex/Robocop could never reach to draw his guns, so EVERYBODY LOSES!
Futuresaurus Rex disagrees on that last point: https://41.media.tumblr.com/5b1b93bdb0fb96f78ec3bd925f7ec43c/tumblr_mz584zdB5R1stghmoo1_500.jpg
Now I’m going to pummel insects with my brother’s hamster, with some luck I will eventually get the rat army from Dishonored
Careful, I’ve heard the final evolution is actually a crazy, old, immortal lady who eats people.
I wonder if the problem Jet faces is that the turkey speaks much more fluent ‘Wok’ than he does. Though I love the idea of an alpha turkey trying to organize minibike riding raptors.
On the other hand, he did teach them to ride minibikes. I would guess that all he has to do is make a turkey dinner to regain alpha status.
Oh snap! He’s got a point. Like, this is twice his birds have found a new boss :-\
I have been stalking this site on and off for YEARS. I don’t know how long per se, but I would always look at this comic from the beginning to the end each time and then forget about the fact that this website even exists until I scroll through all of my bookmarks to delete the unnecessary ones. Then I see “Manly Guys Doing Manly Things” in my file labeled “Hilarious Shit” and I think “Hmmm…I don’t quite remember what this is about, but it’s under “Hilarious Shit” and I do enjoy myself some hilarious shit now and then.” Then I realize what a genius that I am for keeping this website. That whole process started again on my New Year computer clean out.
The End.
There is a difference between training animals and leading animals. While one can be a good instructor, one may not be an effective or strong leader.
The most ugly yet pretty animal I can think of is glow-worms, like the ones on the roofs of caves.
You’re under a canopy of them and its all like “Ooo, its like stars underground!” Then you watch a documentary about them close up and its “Kill it! Kill it with fire!”
Purge the imperfections.
Noooo! Don’t hurt the cutes.
Oops, messed up my link. http://www.freedawn.co.uk/scientia/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/glow_worm_robert_canis-002.jpg
BURN IT!!! PURGE PURGE PURGE
Dawww, its like the littlest zergling.
As a professional animal trainer, this is pretty much how it goes. You can spend AGES getting a cockatoo to willingly accept shots, and then it all goes out the window when the vet wears an unexpected glove color.
Basically it’s easy to train animals to do what they’d be doing anyway, it’s hard as balls to get them to do something they wouldn’t.
Well, mostly. Anything that goes against an animal’s sense of self-preservation takes a whole lot of work to navigate, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a natural behavior. At one point, I worked with a mountain goat that was afraid of heights. You know, those assholes that scale sheer rock walls for funsies.
Not to mention birds that develop a fear of heights after a lifetime in a cage or with their wings clipped. The most extreme I’ve heard of was a zoo-raised Andean Condor.
Yup. One of my rescue parrots is a cockatoo who is TERRIFIED of going outside. Even high ceilings freak her out a little.
Man it was a whirlwind reading your comment.
*reads “willingly accept shots”*
Huh. Can you really let birds drink alcohol? I guess I never really thought about it but… or do you mean gun shots? Are you training birds to be unperturbed by gun shots? Where do you live?!
*reads rest of sentence*
… I’m an idiot.
Hi long time fan first time commenter. You are awesome. That is all
Welcome to the comment section sir, it’s full of dragon cloaca and sex toy site links.
I used to raise and breed turkeys and I have to tell you they are the sweetest babbies in the whole world.
One summer I had a hatch where only one of the eggs hatched, and the poult, whose name was Curly, was basically hand-raised by me b/c he was the only one so it was easy to do and not a giant waste of my time, and he was a perfect precious lump. The next hatch was more successful and I had 12 poults, and, swear to God, Curly tucked all twelve of these babies under his feathers and hid them when it got cold at night (this is particularly amazing bc fowl tend to be really aggressive towards babies and Curly had actually been beated up by some of the older hens at that point). He was an angel.
I also still have my first tom, who is like … nine years old? Really enormous? Kind of shooting blanks at this point but I don’t have the heart to take him out of the breeding flock because he’s so proud of his ladiez.
That’s such a cute story : )
We had a turkeys for a short time .. the funny thing was the male turkey baby they had got attached to our dogs and thought the miniature foxie was it’s mum .. used to sleep in the kennel and stuff. Even barked like a dog at times. XD
Turkeys are genetically related to the T-Rex, right? Makes sense.
I wonder if velociraptor is good eating?
If you are eating it, and not the other way around, it’s good.
Nah, man, Jet’s totally awesome at training animals. He just likes quoting the Jurassic series when the raptors are around & will go out of his way to do so when the situation arises.
I am very glad you threw in this Jurassic World quote.
That movie. Just. . . so, so bad.
Think that’s the point of all these puns.
If Jet isn’t actually good at animal taming, that means the raptors are predisposed to riding minibikes. It’s a beautiful world the commander lives in.
I get the feeling that Jet and Jared would get along really well.
Yeah turkeys have the ugliest neck and head, and really cool patterns and colouring for the rest.
The manliest application of turkeys though is in Dwarf Fortress. Since they don’t require food in this game (yet) and have the largest egg clutch size of any poultry in the game, they can single-handedly save a massive fort from starvation. That way you can have your dwarves live off eggs without having to slaughter your precious war dogs.
I’m gonna have to write down the history of the mighty fort, The Cudgel of Talking, and its legendary lack of diplomacy.
In Dwarf Fortress, everything is badass. A duck once killed two demons. It dodged most of their attacks and struck back, making them dodge into bottomless pits.
Of course, this being Dwarf Fortress, it died shortly afterwards. It was inevitable.
I consistently only ever read the comment thread where Coelsquid comments. It’s nothing I do.out of any kind of malice or ignorance, but a thing I just started doing with this comic one day.
The iridescence on the turkey is beautiful!
Star Wars VII just came out. RWBY Volume 3 just came out. And you haven’t used either of them yet?! Come on! When do we get to see Roman Torchwick duking it out with Kylo Ren?
You know, yelling at artists to draw what you want is not a great way to inspire them, especially since Coelasquid has already said in the commentary that she’s wrapping up this storyline so she can draw other things. So, you know, maybe have some patience and see what comes up? And she’s gonna draw what she wants to draw, which may or may not be whatever characters you want. If you’re really desperate for a specific picture, maybe draw it yourself or commission an artist to draw it instead of demanding it for free.
Draw the parody you wish to see in the world! :D
Fair enough. I would pay a lot of money to see a battle between Rae and Ruby. *sigh* Sometimes it sucks having the drawing skills of a squirrel on PCP.
I love how disappointed Jet looks. “Traitors.”
Bleh, I reset all my passwords and things so I forgot my login, hope this is it.
Maybe this is it?
I could totally see this happening. Male turkeys are just about the most pointlessly agro creatures on God’s green earth. A tom would fit right in with a group of raptors or vice-versa.
You know how the president “pardons” one every Thanksgiving? If I’m ever elected, that’s not happening. I’ll chop his head off on live television, then ship the carcass down to Louisiana to get turned into a Turducken.
Amazing comic as always. I will say that i thought the red spots on the turkey’s head where blood when i first saw it in color. I shall now name him Henry the Headshot Turkey!
As evidenced by that red spot, this turkey is clearly the animal form of former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. No wonder he has such clear leadership skills and charisma! Bu beware, those velociraptors might be communists now.
Mr. Turkechev! TEAR. DOWN. THIS. WOK!
The guy taught raptors how to ride mini-motorcycles and wear tiny cuirass of Roman lorica segmentata. I think he’s pretty good at animal training. He’s just training animals that have been extinct for sixty five million years and have zero domestication. All things considered Jet is doing amazingly well.