The most patient wingman
May 30, 2016
3:57 am
I’ve been meaning to draw this comic for like six years. I just figured it’d be funny if Jared’s internet girlfriend was the most obnoxious kind of annoying 3edgy5u xbox live trash talker.
On that note, if you’re playing Overwatch on the PS4 and come across a Roadhog named Coelasquid who keeps KoolAid Man charging into groups of enemies and dying immediately, that’s probably me. If it’s a Winston named Coelasquid who seems to be playing competently, that’s probably my boyfriend playing on my account.
Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.
FIRST :D
Also, great comic as usual :D
I log in at 3 AM (Central), barely a Monday yet and already a full-color comic is up. Coelasquid your dedication to your work is insanely awesome!
Also, this one made me LOL. The actual space Marines having trouble playing space marine video games. so good!
I suppose I should also note the order this one came in, but I’m pretty sure the comic was posted less than 10 minutes ago so I won’t bore you with that.
Cancer and broken arms don’t stop her from uploading. Coela describes herself on Twitter as “a T1000 reprogrammed to make cartoons,” and that is an extremely apt comparison.
So when Jones mentions that Jared deserves better than this, is she referring to the annoying shitweed internet girlfriend, or Commander-and-Chief’s (please tell me that’s their team name I love a good bad pun) abysmal playing?
the GF
Yes.
Yes to both and also to the pun.
She’s just jealous because Jared is the best character.
I reiterate, Jarred is in, like the top ten characters that have their shit together in this comic.
And yet he has no idea on what he is doing.
Imagine if he did
I think actually commander said that himself when he saw Jared crocheting Yoshis “see with all that creativity could u imagine if he put that to something.”
Two people in the same room being able to play a game together? Madness.
There’s only one character being controlled….
Ah I missed that, well some games let you switch players on a death.
The it’s a very very mad world thank to the upcoming Gears of War 4
I’d bet Masterchief’s just playing on his visor. :P
I’ll headcanon that, sure.
Remember song that went boom Headshot still just because you have real life skills doesn’t mean that translate well into the game
Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.
That’s easy: Commander Badass is playing on a TV & Xbox at the “front” of the room, and Master Chief is playing on a TV & Xbox on the “right” of the room.
Master Chief probably just has it projected onto his helmet HUD.
Wouldn’t be too hard to set up anymore, his helmet probably counts as an Occulus or something, as far as the games programming is concerned.
Man, that would be the ultimate screen-peek safe screen ever. All those times you were killed by someone magically knowing you were behind that wall would never happen if we all had a HUD.
Modern gaming: Less sociability, more pixels. Guess that describes most of the internet though.
Played against a guy once where absolutely _everything_ was rape. Every event in play was raped this, raped that, raped me, raped you. Anyway, the game was Risk and we were literally playing in his pastor’s kitchen…. with his pastor. I can not begin to imagine what he was like online.
rofl, with his PASTOR
Just a curio, Coelasquid; Overwatch’s server for PS4 is different from PC’s?
(got Overwatch for PC, not playing yet – too many RL things to do lately)
Yeah, there’s no cross platform support, unfortunately.
Best to assume the servers are different unless stated otherwise really. If they’re shared they go out of their way to advertise it.
I heard that some gaming company… I forget which, either Valve or Microsoft, but it doesn’t really matter…
They had an experiment of cross-platform play, with a bunch of “professional” gamers on controllers versus a bunch of novices using mouse and keyboard. And it was an utter and complete bloodbath.
Those poor, controller wielding bastards never stood a chance.
I probably shouldn’t admit this on a public forum, but I play PC Overwatch with a 360 controller.
And yes, I play Bastion. I’m every bit the scrublord you imagine.
UM MY BOYFRIEND NOS CPT FALCON SO UM SHUT UP B*TCH
ur just jelos coz my bf is a super badass who could totally kill u if he wanted ok he plays D&D with duke nukem i win
thats “Dungeons and Dragons” for all you fake gamers out there
I just got nerd sniped into pondering what Duke would play as in D&D.
Prolly a bard or sorceror. “Charisma is the coolness stat, I wanna be awesome!”
I feel like he’d *want* to play a bard or sorc, but he’d end up playing a grizzled barbarian out of insecurity.
I mean, hey, I have a barbarian with pretty beastly charisma.
Why not both? It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure there’s some bardbarian type prestige class.
Paladins also use charisma. Though “canonically”, he plays a fighter or barbarian, as Bloup points out below. Jared, meanwhile, plays an elephantaur rogue, if you’ll recall.
This question a long time ago.
I still just do not get the appeal of Overwatch. Like, why are we caring about this class based online FPS, over, say, Brink?
“Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.”
…I reckon you could actually make this. One player controls movement, the other controls the camera. You could allow for finer control of both allowing for actions you couldn’t see in other games, while needing clear communication between both parties to perform at the highest level. Then you let loose a horde of couch co-op people onto a deathmatch server. Something to pitch at the next Game Jam.
Because it’s bright and cartoony and fun with a bunch of slick, goofy, wildly thematically different characters with distinct personalities.
Alright. Is there something like a “meet the team” video to get a feel for the characters if they’re the main selling point?
Bunch of stuff on the overwatch youtube, the cinematic trailer for the game, as well as a series of animated shorts they’ve been releasing and some lore and overview playlists they’ve been assembling for different characters.
Uh, that third link just goes back to this page.
I’m starting to wonder if ANY of their animated shorts won’t make me cry.
Yeah, they REALLY want me to buy that game.
Here’s to hoping they continue releasing shorts and don’t just let it fall by the wayside. Like how it took forever to get the last few meet the squad videos for Team Fortress.
They said “Hero” was thelast animated short “Of this season” So seems like they’ll do more over time.
Also, it’s hellaciously fun.
I’ve only been playing it for a couple of days. But Overwatch, I think, falls into that group of games that fairly solidly know what they’re about from an early stage in their development and virtually everything from art direction to the character mechanics converge to bring that concept to fruition.
It’s the difference between, for instance, Halo and the hoard of clones that came out in its wake. Or Pokemon and the half dozen pokemon rip-offs that showed up on the Game Boy after its release.
That doesn’t surprise me. Blizzard has a history of not making a game until they’re sure they know exactly what they want it to be, and then they dominate. MMOs, MOBAs, and now class-based shooters. . . they wait to release until they’re sure they’re doing it right :)
Yeah. If Blizzard has a specialty, it’s lining up a genre-killer over a few years by watching what others in the industry have done over the years. They may not really do much that anybody else hasn’t yet, but by golly they do polish it up well and put together a coherent package.
Now if only we can get them to make a little tun based RPG…
“One player controls movement, the other controls the camera.”
Yeah, I’ve seen something similar to that done twice before, once in Battletech for Sega Genesis, and again in Psi-Ops for Xbox. Except it was one person controlling the legs, the other controlling the arms. It was kind of a clusterfuck both times (especially Psi-Ops), but it’s probably possible to make it work.
Because Blizzard is marketing it (yes, seriously, that counts for a lot).
And because it’s like a newer, cleaner TF2. With “waifus”.
Tracer is mine btw
It’s a newer, shinier Team Fortress 2 with waifus, racial inclusiveness, cute accents, and a bevy of support options that makes Medic look like a whiny German.
What is Brink?
A multiplayer shooter from some years ago, i think it had several classes and a context-based movement system. I hear it didn’t live to its hype.
It was a buggy mess of crap. Sound cutting out? It’s a ‘game feature’!
Ugly and boring.
Playing together in one room?
Guess they got their X-box from Nintendo. ;)
You do realise that you can’t have two people playing when only one characters HUD is on screen, right?
And there’s no way that system could have come from Nintendo – it has online voice chat.
Nah, even Nintendo dropped the ball on couch-multiplayer shooters; Splatoon, Devil’s Third, and other titles elude me at the moment… but the multiplayer is online only.
It makes me angry, since I grew up on couch-multiplayer with four older brothers!
Yep, PC is strangely the best option for local-coop by far these days.
guys, guys, you forget, Commander has time travel. He got frustrated with current consoles and hopped forward a few decades to a magical time when game developers realized that paying homage to the devils of AAA games, no backwards compatibility, and online only co-op is bad, and instead decided to work together to make the perfect system that can play any game, with as many people as you want, and ignore most laws of physics and marketing while it’s at it. Or, you know, he just jailbroke a modern game system to do whatever he wanted. That could work too.
Neither of those would work online unless he arranged for a few of those for Jared and his girlfriend.
“No backwards compatability”
So he comes from a world where game consoles cost twice the price?
wait, so who is Jared in this scenario? Is he in the Master Chief armor? Or is he the red box that I assumed was the online Girlfriend? I’m so confused.
You know what, I just that there was a blue text box. Curse my terrible eyes. Never mind then :P
Pointless comment thread is pointless…
Unless we give it meaning in life, much like modern art. What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? What’s in the box? Did the top, stop, SPINNING!?!?!?!?
42. Never saw that movie. Maybe, but there’s a prevailing theory that the top wasn’t really his totem
It wasn’t terribly distinct. I suppose a different font for Jared might’ve helped emphasize.
I dunno if Máster Chief had littlle John-118 or Jane-118 they too would be appaled at their predecessor’s lacks in the “game simulacra”. And CB wouldn’t be too far either. About Internet Girlfriend, its bad cred to blast the Internet boyfriend, because, you know, covering backs, same team ,yadda yadda.IMHO.
quick question who is playing wingman? I’m not seeing any real couples activity here,or is it referring to the Selfy with Capt. falcon?
I think Commander B may be playing wingman, though perhaps a little too well. He and Chief are playing against Jared and his internet girlfriend after all.
I think it’s Cap, since the title of ‘wingman’ goes to the friend who helps you bring in the ladies. And he’s looking pretty patient with Jared for that selfie. I bet his tumblr is filled with selfie’s of him and most of the agency, with all the guys wearing similar faces to Cpt. Falcon
Commander is willing to play Xbox live with rude teenagers and get his butt kicked at something he’s terrible at so Jared can spend time with/be on the same team as/impress his internet girlfriend. That’s a reasonably wingman-y thing to do.
Is it being a good wingman though if you help an impressionable teen (is Jared still a teen at this point?) be with a terrible person? :D
Commander doesn’t have a sterling record of choosing great romantic partners, he doesn’t think it’s his place to judge.
His Internet girlfriend is a teenager? I thought Jared was like 23.
18 or 19. She’d be about the same age. Old enough to be like a year or so out of high school and frustrating his parents with his lack of ambition beyond playing video games in the dark. Jones is 29, Commander’s 32.
I mean, the comic has been going on for six years so if the characters weren’t frozen in ageless purgatory Jared would be like 25.
Really? The Commanders mannerisms strike me as that of a man in his late 30s early 40s. I know a bunch of early 30s people (I am 30 myself) and none of us is as grounded in the world. The commanders entire attitude just seems like something you aquire over time. I also thought since he has 2 kids allready and Junebug is betwen 7-10 AND he is divorced. 32 strikes me as very young!
But it’s you’re world I was just surprised :-)
Jones and Jarred on the other hand feel pretty spot on with the age :D
His physique was based on a 32 year old Brock Lesnar, so I picked that as his age, and whenever I need to reference how old he should look at different ages I look up Brock Lesnar at that age for reference (turns out Brock Lesnar’s looked 30 since he was 16)
June is 5, Sam is 2, he got married when he was like 22-23, he and Maddie started out the same age but time travel shenanigans left him about three years older by the end of it, so Maddie is 29 now. I figure he’s the kind of guy who wanted to fast track himself to a family and a white picket fence as quick as possible so he’d have something in his life that wasn’t the military facility he was raised in.
And I mean, maturity wise he can only have as much wisdom as I can dispense, and I was 22 or so when I started making this so, I dunno. Plus I figure he’s the kind of guy who had to grow up fast, most people who join the military young come back seeming a lot older than their years, and he grew up in it.
Fair enough. Wasn’t ment as criticism. Guess I only have 2 years left to become as wise and grounded as the Commander is ;)
I was just goin’ over the timeline to limit confusion.
Wait, does Jarod’s ‘girlfriend’ sound like a little boy? o_O
It’s just, when girls bad-talk other girls, they don’t usually use ‘twerp’ (unless you are Team Rocket and talking about Ashley Ketchup :P )
As fair as I can tell (and according to the tags), that’s actually Master Chief himself. Although I’m pretty sure Jared has a Master Chief outfit, but you don’t see Mr Fish anywhere and he’s never far from Jared.
Oops wrong thread
I bet I’m seeing it all wrong, but Jared’s in full green armor and of course they’re playing on the same console, one of the tech-minded guys at the agency souped it up to display both Jared and Commander’s screens. Just needed to put some vintage Nintendo parts into it, really.
It looks to me like Jared’s playing from his cave, his girlfriend’s playing from wherever she lives, Rock is playing on his console at home, and he either rigged the console so Master Chief can also play it, or MC is playing on his HUD. The girlfriend’s speech bubbles are edged in red radio-static, while Jared’s are edged in blue radio-static, which makes it seem like they’re both speaking over voice chat, while Master Chief’s line there at the end is in a normal voice bubble, suggesting he’s actually present.
Is this a doctor Jeckel thing?
Away from the game she’s the sweetest thing.
Summer dress, sunny smiles and hugs, but you pop that controller into her hand and…
Boom.
Here’s comes ‘nY355aPwNs’ to teabag your still twitching corpse while listing things your mom does for a dollar at the top of her voice.
So I’m not the only one imagining the girlfriend as very affable in person.
Holy cow! I miss the days of couch-multiplayer!
I still remember my oldest brother punching my youngest brother as he (younger) taught him (older) how to play halo. The reason?
Older: How do you change guns?
Younger: Y
Older: Because I wanna change my ****ing gun! How do I do it?
Younger: Y!!!
Older: **** off, [PUNCH] just tell me how to do it!
Younger: You push the ****ing Y button!
Older: Oh…
For me, that was Super Metroid. My friend, whose last name is Bean, was playing against Phantoon (Ghost Boss). He was firing missiles (which are useless) so I was yelling “Beam” at him. He heard that as “Bean” so he kept up with the missiles until I realized what was going on and changed my yell to “Not Missiles. BEAM weapon.”
Good times.
I had the exact same experience with my older brother and the Panzer Dragoon: Orta demo. I forget what the Y button even does in that game >_<
Oh the Glory of being a Playstation person XD. I have never run into this confusion, but this is highly amusing and the next time my brother makes me play on his XBox I’m going to have to find a way to use ‘Y’ to mess with him.
Wait, is couch multiplayer no longer a thing?
When did this happen!?
:(
When companies realized they could make more money by forcing every player to have a copy.
Bleh. God rest GoldenEye 64 and all its split screen brethren.
Silly asses forgot that “guesting” is free advertising.
When the “hardcore” gamers decided that only “casuals” play couch multiplayer. This perception was furthered when Nintendo became the last console company to encourage couch multiplayer because, as the “hardcore” will tell us…..exhaustively, Nintendo is a “casual kiddie”company whose practices should be shunned by true “hardcore” gamers.
Just as soon as they finish this Smash Bros. tournament.
I guess we’re old now :-/
At least we still have Diablo, SSB, and zombie’s (which is still couch co-op, and I am so proud of them for it. Now be a good game company and release the COD zombies game, where it’s all zombies, all the time.)
It’s less of a thing than it used to be, but some games still allow for it, just not many fps or “hardcore” games. Some games only have split screen as an extra, watered down version of whatever game it is too.
Lots of smaller companies have kept making games that work with couch multiplayer, but those are mostly indie titles that won’t get the sort of advertising that cod/halo/battlefield/whatever else would have.
Part of it is probably screen real estate as well. Even nice streamlined games like overwatch are a heck of a lot more cluttered than they used to be. I wouldnt envy playing that one one quarter of a 1080p screen.
“Also before anyone complains I’m gonna say the game they’re playing is a completely made up imaginary one that lets two people sitting in the same room play an xbox shooter together.”
…So, basically Pacific Rim with human sized mechs/androids? Maybe player one manages primary movement and general aiming/firing while player two is in charge of “aim correction” and fine tuned movement/emergency escapes? I’d play that, especially player two’s role.
For aim correction I’d imagine something like a “shot arc” being painted once firing begins, with player two using a thumbstick to manipulate where said arc lands on the opponent. Maybe make it so most armor has specific harness points (varying in location depending on which armor style it is) that you concentrate fire upon to strip away your opponent’s armor resulting in a quicker kill.
Here’s hoping she’s much less annoying when not playing competitive games, cuz Jones is right.
Of course! When you play Borderlands, she’s actually kinda nice. She still steals all of the good loot and heals, but at least she’ll revive you (for the XP) and give you her scraps.
My friends and I (all 15+ year tech professionals) run console side by side all the time, we’ve built simple single setup rigs for our consoles and just pile them up side by side on the couch. Then sit and play, drink whiskey, and complain about getting destroyed by young trash talking kids online…
How is Overwatch? I’ve heard good things, though the only thing I really know is everyone gets really scared when it’s high noon.
Super excellent. I’ve put nearly 100 hours into it between the closed betas, the open beta, and the launched game. This is around a family, house upkeep, and a full time job.
Worst part is, as McCree says himself: “Eh. I figure it’s always high noon SOMEWHERE in the world.”
One of the interesting parts about Overwatch is that every character has an Ultimate ability that charges from healing and doing damage. Every one of them (excluding Widowmaker) says a line in their native tongue, which is heard by the enemy. McCree, the cowboy guy, has an ultimate that allows him to instantly execute multiple people who aren’t in cover relative to him, with charge speed based on their current health total. McCree’s announcement to make people scramble for cover is a really sexy voice saying, “It’s high noon…”
Mr. Fish would be a bigger draw for me tbh
You forget, in this universe, Pokémon are an actual thing, Pokémon training just isn’t respected outside of the Pokémon regions. So this would only really be a pull if you are a gamer, or are from one of said regions and like water Pokémon.
Considering how people react to dogs, i think it would still work. Been wanting to try, but i can’t have a dog right now.
I didn’t get the ‘Road Hog’ Coelasquid and ‘Winston’ Coelasquid thing until I remembered that your boyfriend writes Glam Rock Gorilla.
Now I’m marveling the fact that Overwatch managed to hit your two relatively niche aesthetics dead on.
I’m happy to be learning more about her. Given her last speaking role I pictured someone more mild. Is this still the same person?
Bah! I thought I closed that tag.
It should read — “Given her last speaking part, I pictured someone more mild.”
She called the dude a Cockmongler there, it’s pretty in-character.
…Dude, I forgot about that comic! Are we to assume it’s the same girl, then? And here I thought that was just a random jokey one shot comic… lol
How can that beachball survive Mr Fish? What is it made off?! Jared is a really, really good pet owner. Found some supernatural exotic stuff that can survive Mr Fish. Respect.
wait…your the roadhog Coelasquid? Damn it, now i can’t hunt you lol
OH YEAH!
… OH NO!
I love everything about this.
The fact that she’s described as a “Grrrrl Gamer” as opposed to a girl gamer leads me to believe that a)Coelaquid may or may not be browsing /v/ and b) nothing good will come out of this “relationship”.
Well, nothing good for Jared, at least. There’s bound to be a few laughs for US. :D
EDIT: Oh wait, I REMEMBER! There was that comic where Jones told Marv to “take it to /s4s/’. Clearly not an accident, then.
I’m old guard 4chan. For perspective, I’m the same age as Moot and I started hanging around the site when I was 15, about 8 months after it launched. I haven’t been on it for quite a while because I’m too slow to keep up with it in my old age but like, I’m so veteran 4chan I’ve been to weddings of people I met on the site.
Hey Jones? AT LEAST JARED HAS HIS SHIT TOGETHER!
Calling people weirdo…
He is a weirdo. And his shit is not together.
Slash is also reportedly bad at Guitar Hero.
As is Herman Li, the guitarist from Dragonforce (couldn’t play TTFAF, video of it on youtube)
Fred Astaire would no doubt be bad at Dance Dance Revolution. It’s not an easily transferable skill.
“get in the electronics” not “bet” unless that was an intentional typo.
I was confused at first too, but it actually does say get. The G is a little fuzzy looking on my monitor, so I figure you had a similar issue
I am not so sure. The G’s have right angle corners on the bottom, right hand side, while the B’s are rounded there. It could be a G, but it’s not consistent with the other G’s, while it is, in my opinion, consistent with a B as seen elsewhere.
We’d have to see the full size art to be sure though either way.
I played multiplayer Call of Duty with my brother in the same room on split-screen, at least some games allow it.
Weird that more games don’t allow split-screen these days given everything’s on giant HDTVs now.
It’s simple money. With split screen, you only need to buy another controller and that only once. With separate console multilayer, you have to buy a different game and different console, the former for every game you want to play multiplayer.
Which do you think makes the developers and the console makers more bucks?
Yeah I think in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 you could play online multiplayer in split screen so it’s not actually very far fetched.
Oh snap…forgot that was Master Chief and NOT DOOMGuy.
Come to think of it, the place would’ve been too clean for DG anyway since nothing was ripped and torn.
I wish captain Titus was in this one.
I think folks have asked about Space Marines (Adeptus Astartes) before. But truthfully, as manly as they are they also have this sort of strange nobility about them that might not fit into the mold of the other “manly guys” like Commander, Marcus Fenix, Duke Nukem, etc.
This is the unicorn of Xbox games where you can play multiplayer in the same room. Long has it been since we’ve seen a game that could do such a thing on a Microsoft console.
I forgot Jared had an Internet girlfriend.
Remember when you could play Halo multiplayer with a friend in the room in game? Meh I wish they would bring that back….
On the subject of Overwatch I propose that Jared’s “hardcore gamer girlfriend” is D.Va? All in favor?
There is just enough of platinum black for me to have gotten invested :p
I’ll look forward to that developing when the time, resources and inclination are there.
“We are concerningly bad at this” is a line that is going to enter my day-to-day lexicon.