The tale of Commander’s irrational millipede phobia
May 30, 2013
1:54 pm
Commander’s daughter is kind of inspired by this friend of my brother’s who had a fashionista mom and a bushman dad, so her mom would suit her up with all the glamorous lady-like stuff and her dad would bring her pet bugs and snails and newts and that kind of thing, and they effectively raised a bombshell pageant-queen lookin’ young woman with an odd affection for creepy crawlies.
Now that I think about it, there’s something Kafka-esque about raising a responsible kid and ending up with a giant bug.
That’s endearingly sweet in a way. Commander B. loves his kids. And the lesson of the day of his just makes me laugh.
It is really nice that he actually lived up to his side of the deal. My father wasn’t so great at that.
Or, for a matter of fact, gave the girl a physically possible task and didn’t sabotage it or played it by the letter.
*for that matter
He didn’t give her a physically impossible task. He just gave her a demanding one. Physically impossible would be him telling her to lift up a mountain and then vacuming up the rubble underneath it.
Four months is like one fifteenth of her entire life. June certainly isn’t raised to be a quitter.
What I ment to say was ‘he didn’t do this either.’
Oh. Ok. I misunderstood you.
I don’t understand the problem in the first place, as he said physically possible, not impossible.
It was also almost 2:30 AM when I originally replied and I had gotten up early that day. I was running on fumes and even those where about to dissapear.
I’m actually in the middle of the same(to me) situation. I have a severe aversion to any berry-flavored foods, but my son will be one next week, and I hold my breath and give him strawberry cereal and berry yogurt as much as anything else so that he won’t have the same problems that I did. Even the smell of fruit punch makes me feel sick to my stomache, so I can completely identify with the Commander about this. I’d literally rather eat the millipede.
I’ve never met someone with an aversion to berries before. Is it just the artifical stuff, or do real berries trigger this too? And is this like a physchological thing – “my parents were murdered by Strawberry Shortcake!” – or a purely physical reaction to the flavor?
“All I remember is the sound of their screams… blood everywhere… and the smell of… berries.”
Well, hey, at least it’s not like the usual ‘Daddy I want a puppy’ and the parents end up taking care of it.
Somehow I doubt the millipede would stay in the house if that’s what happened.
Man, I hated the “parent card” veto. Tell me if I did an impossible or difficult thing, I could have this other thing. Do the thing, say No anyways.
The Commander is a pretty good dad and person.
My folks were always pretty upfront about it. When I was in first or second grade I was told I the only way I could get a game boy color was if I could afford it. Cue almost two years of saving my pocket change (and then my little brother decided to get one too. That’s what happens when you get a bank shaped like a train as a three year old and love it too much to ever question the fact you don’t have the physical strength to open it). On the other hand my sister has always been flatly denied a puppy.
Well, a Gameboy doesn’t tend to shit everywhere, so that’s always an upside.
Uh. Want to introduce me to this friend of yours? ;)
Down boy…
Commander is the best dad :D
I concur, he decided that he should be a man of his word even though he didn’t actually want one (millipede I mean) and also that even if he did use the “veto card” he would not have taught responsibility. He valued the lesson he taught over the other less fortunate results. WANNA-BE PARENTS TAKE NOTE.
I once did something similar, but instead of a millipede it was a boa. After dozen years, I ended up having to give it to the zoo because I couldn’t afford the baby goats required to feed it every month.
…How’d your parents get you that kind of boa?!
You can actually buy very large snakes at various reptile shops throughout the US, depending on the legality of owning a large snake in that area. I’m pretty sure Randalph is exaggerating a little but I have seen anacondas for sale. However I’m strongly against that because you know most of the people who would buy an anaconda would be the kind that’d keep him in a vastly undersized tank, just getting it for the sole purpose of bragging HELL YEAH I GOT AN ANACONDA ect. e.e
His parents must be awesome.
Boa constrictors don’t get large enough to eat goats. Rabbits, maybe, if it is exceptionally large, but never baby goats. You took such good care of it that you didn’t even know what it was for 12 years! Way to go!
Pretty sure he was exaggerating for comedic affect
I feel that this installment is less of a humor comic than an educational one. And that’s quite fine by me.
It’s funny because there’s a 5-year-old holding a giant millipede and her father is against this for -his- personal comfort.
Some people have their own phobia ^^;;
Wow… When was the last time we saw the Commander in civvies (with an undershirt, no less).
I believe we’ve usually seen him out of uniform when he’s at home.
Whenever he’s at home, he just wears a white tang top. (and a kilt occasionally)
ew oh no I can’t even look at those.
Not to mention, they are extremely poisonous
Always believed itwa th milli’s who were poisonous, apparantly the centi’s are more poisonous
Millipedes are harmless other than secreting an irritant that bothers your eyes if they feel threatened.
Plus the irritant smells something horrible
That depends on the millipede I think? The local ones smell almond-y, and at least some of the giant ones–I mean, it smells like almonds because of cyanide, but it’s still fairly pleasant when compared with snake musk, for example.
Anyone want to bet that the millipede in question is really one of those giant pokemon millipedes and not a normal millipede.
Yeah… that Irritant happens to be a form of cyanide. And can be deadly if ingested… how ever most anything tasting it will just drop it and run, cause it tastes horrible. But it can be dangerous in open wounds as well.
It depends on what your talking about. If it has a bite that makes you ill or kills you, that’s being venomous. if you eat it and get physically ill, that’s being poisonous.
…I think they look positively adorable! For some reason, I always liked the creepy crawlies whose legs were tucked under their bodies. Millipedes, rolly poleys, ladybugs, caterpillars, etc. But centipedes, ants, and spiders? *shudder* Always called on my dad to save me when even the tiniest spider showed up. And he always pretended to eat it just to see my reaction. And then I’d be super disgusted, but called on him every time anyway.
I stopped sleeping at night one summer because millipedes and centipedes would come in under the back door. Bug spray just made it so they could only come in about a foot before curling up and dying.
I was terrified that if I wasn’t there to keep an eye on them, they’d be everywhere (like the time I almost stepped on a centipede barefoot, or the time there was one in the sink when I was doing dishes. I really didn’t want to find out if I was allergic to their poison.
The Commander is an almost preternaturally good parent.
In the future, there’s a class you have to take to have kids.
he had the highest grade.
This is now part of my headcanon.
Commander is the best dad ever. Like, Parent of the Year for all years.
Well, he is a time traveller, so that is technically possible.
He cheats, he has probably been forward and back so many times he knows when to give in and not too.
For example, he might of been set on no even if she did all that stuff in order to get it, but after seeing that his disrespect caused her to lose her sense of responsibility after being wronged like that. With that in mind he gets her the giant bug and her path is set better. Cheater.
Is it just me or is Commander a really cool dad?
Well… that’s cool. “Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean my kids shouldn’t.”
Yep, Commander rocks as a dad. Teaching responsibility and respect by example at the same time is no simple task, but he did well.
That’s badass!
Agreed. Even though she’s only 5, he’s already letting her decide her own personality as she grows up.
Now that I think about it a little, I wonder if part of Commander’s attitude stems from this:
http://thepunchlineismachismo.com/archives/comic/this-whole-storyline-was-supposed-to-happen-like-the-third-month-into-this-comic
Coming from a future where the higher ups try to mold you into whatever is the most marketable might play a part in the Commander wanting his kids to be able to define their own personalities.
Ahhhh I love that he’s such a good dad! So darling <3
Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean my kids shouldn’t like it.
I’m always kind of blown away at how good a dad Commander is.
hmmm come to think about it…he IS from the future,that gives him a huge bonus.
I mean. when you can see how your children will turn out in the future you get to be careful how you raise them.
What if his adult daughters Fear of giant bugs would destroy the civilisation if he doesn’t give her one as a pet when she is still young? just saying :-)
I’m not sure that’s how the time travel works, but really, I think it’s a good framing device.
Awwwwwww, best dad ever.
Raising a Millipede sounds good and all, but it always turns bad when they get too huge. Giant mushrooms sprout everywhere, the Millipede goes into a frenzy, and then you have to blast it apart piece by piece. And if you end up hitting the middle part of the creature, now you have to deal with two rage-filled Millipedes.
But on the plus side, Mr. Fish might finally have an animal friend his size.
I think you’re thinking centipedes.
Nope. Millipede
<3
So…how big are we talking here? Are we talking about those creepy things you see in museums, or “Can wrestle Mr. Fish” big?
Wikipedia says the longest ones are a foot.
So I’m with some of the other comentators hoping this is a giant-giant. Mr Fishy big, or at least bigger than however bit a giant millipede is. That would only make this better.
That’s good parenting right there.
Indeed. My Mom and Stepdad did something similar. We were allowed to get a tattoo (I was 16-17 at the time), but under two condtitions. First, we had to do research. Caring for a tattoo once you get it, risks involved etc. and second, we had to come to them with a design and keep it. Now I’ve no doubt their mindset was similar to the Captain, and that we would forget about it in a year, but secondly, it was done so that it could be done in a way that they were aware of, could approve and could be done safely. But I will always give them credit as, much like Captain here, they could well have exercised parental veto, and didn’t.
Now that’s good parenting.
*picturing something that will end up in the basement of the base to wrestle with the Snake pit to keep them fit.
It really amazes me what a good and level headed parent you make the Commander out to be. It is a nice way to round him out as a character, gives him a lot of depth.
I HATE giant millipedes. Like, regular-nightmares-about-finding-them hate. Eeegghhh.
In which Commander is a wonderful dad, whether or not it works out how he wants.
I kind of wish my dad was more like the commander
My daughter and I have gone through this exact same scenario, except it was making the bed, not picking dandelions, and it was a bearded dragon, not a millipede. She loves the crap out of that foot-and-a-half-long doorstop, though.
Oh damn, if my dad told me I could have had a bearded dragon for making the bed I totally would have slept on a bed.
You didn’t? Where did you sleep then?
The floor. Or the couch, I still do it now if I’m having trouble sleeping.
Pity it wasn’t dandelions, you could have kept them and fed them to the thing.
Or made him dandelion wine.
I’m pretty sure the Bearded Dragons are insectivores?
Nope, leafy greens like kale are a recommended part of their diet.
They eat a lot of stuff. Insects yes, they love insects, but they also eat greens. As for dandelions in particular – well, I don’t know if they’d be good for him or not.
Actually, Bearded Dragons can indeed eat dandelions, though I doubt it’s a consistent part of their diet. One of my dad’s family friends had a massive Bearded Dragon named Puff, and when we “walked” him (he had a darling little harness), we picked dandelions and he’d eat them.
Bearded dragon owner here!
Dandelions are actually a good addition to their diet (the greens, not the flowers themselves) though I’d recommend sticking to ones you get at places like Trader Joe’s or other food stores, and not in your yard as pesticides, parasites and other dangerous things can be in them.
Baby beardies eat mostly insects, but when they grow up they tend to eat mostly vegetables, with insects providing extra proteins. Some people like to give their beardies chicken (anytime I have chicken my beardie will walk over and glare at me until I give him some, he’s worse than my cat) and there are different insects that you can give them – I personally prefer dubias, as they are meatier and there is no risk of them biting or, if they get loose in the house, reproducing since they require very specific temps and humidities to breed.
Spinach, kale, dandelion greens and various vegetables (butternut squash is mine’s favourite) make up the bulk of the adult’s diet.
Screw that, I’ll eat the dandelion greens myself.
How is the Commander such an amazing person in every single strip??
Because he is an amazing person in every single strip :D
At least he didn’t stomp it in a act of yuck. Serenity Now!
If I had not already had my dad as my dad, I would want this man to be my dad.
As someone who speaks to neither his father NOR his stepfather, I am delighted for you. And work my ass off on a daily basis to have my son echo your sentiments at some point in his life. Towards which, I actually am a lot like the Commander in re: my kid.
My father is the same way, and may I say bravo to you, sir, for breaking the cycle of bad parenting. It always warms my heart to see something like that, and I’m incredibly thankful that my dad took his own father’s shitty example and decided that he would never make a child feel like that. That’s true manliness, right there.
There’s nothing irrational about giant millipede fear.
Especially if you were forced to watch “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” every day for five years.
You know what we need? We need a scary tunnel.
Pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention.
It’s heartwarming how I can come to a comic about manly men and see parenting done right more often than anywhere else.
Also, I am astounded at how you managed the fourth panel there with CB’s big hand on his face without ANY tangent lines. That is fucking talent.
The Commander is a braver man, and truer to his word, than I probably would be.
Commander is an awesome dad.
What an awesome father. My parents have no remorse for using the “mom” or “dad” card.
An extra of the daughter’s face from panel two would be great. lol
Yeah, the face of childish evil if ever there was one :D
It’s not an irrational phobia if it’s entirely justified.
Giant millipedes are poisonous, centipedes are not
Ignore that, thought it was the milli’s that were the poisonous ones :/
Well you’re sort of right. They’re both poisonous, just that generally millipede toxins won’t do more than irritate your eyes or skin a little.
Millipedes are toxic to eat (at least, some of them are)–centipedes are venomous, and can have quite a nasty bite.
Technically speaking, millipedes are distinguished from centipedes by having two legs per body segment instead of one, but the true distinguishing feature is that millipedes are bumbly and adorable, and centipedes are disgusting, horrible deathmonsters.
This is so awesome.
I think I’m in love with the Commander.
i wonder if its a pokemon the only Centipede is Venipede though it be pretty cool when it grew up Scolipede it the size of a horse
Bug Stallion?
I’ve got no beef with millipedes. Centipedes, on the other hand, are hellspawn.
Everyone has their fear! And now we know Commander Badass’s.
I jus’ wanna tell ya how cool it is thatcha always write Commander’s lines exactly th’ way they’re spoken. That’s th’ way I talk, too, an’ it makes me feel just a smidge manlier ever’y time I read yer comic. Thanks! Oh, an’ th’ comic’s excellent, too.
I jus’ wanna tell ya how cool it is thatcha always write Commander’s lines exactly th’ way they’re spoken. That’s th’ way I talk, too, an’ it makes me feel just a smidge manlier ev’ry time I read yer comic. Thanks! Oh, an’ th’ comic’s excellent, too. Fix’d.
Ah well… trust Gravatar to mess up again. Hasn’t done that in a while.
I reached the end-page… for now at least. Nice to see the comic is still progressing smoothly (or so it seems). Guess it is time to move on to another archive.
Oh… and I hope Anders’ survival is canon for Dragon Age 3. =p
Please tell us the millipede is the ACTUAL MILLIPEDE from MILLIPEDE. :D
Commander is wise.
I’m just glad this comic is finally being updated and having good content. It’s been months since I’ve come here only twice and found there was a new comic that was enjoyable.
I was doing it to personally spite you, obviously. I was just thinkin’ “Man I better put up a few months of rushed content, I bet that’ll really bug that Dillon guy and have nothing to do with the fact that I spent two months working something like 80 hours a week”
Real life has to take priority and you have still been releasing updates each week. I have enjoyed all the strips that have been coming as well, though it does sometimes take my mind some time to notice the punchline but that’s me being slow. The fact that you were able to get something posted in those weeks while still working 80 hour weeks is pretty awesome
man…and I just thought you were tired from overwork…but this whole time it was just a grudge against some guy you never met.
It is the way of the internet. No total stranger left not irritated. There’s always one of these guys, coming on and being pointlessly critical. You don’t release the strips on time, I don’t like how you portrayed Raiden from Metal Gear Solid as a mime, I wish there was a dating game strip where Mileena had to choose between Baraka, Jaws from James Bond, and a nightmare fuel shark man from an anime.
Actually, that dating game idea, I would love to see. But I’ve been too pleased with the strip to make a serious request. Unlike the whiners I’m content. Still, that would be a hillarious sight. Too bad I can’t draw.
Well least there are no requests for more cowbell…
There is now.
*Ding Ding Ding*
-Pats shoulder in sympathy-
D’aaawww…. The Commander is the most awesome dad ever. If I ever become a mom, I’m going to try to be as awesome a parent as he is.
Also, is it bad I can see The Commander and Jonesy gettin hitched and little Junebug and her brother who we haven’t seen in a while, liking their dad’s new wife?
They like her as his girlfriend, but as someone who’s seen it many times, that doesn’t necessaily mean they’ll like her as his wife. It’s too close to “replacing mom” for some kids.
I have a feeling this millipede isn’t from their century…Perhaps Commander just went back in time to the early Carboniferous Era, and just captured a huge-ass Arthopleura. Seems cheaper than just going to the pet store to buy a big millipede :P
Sure, if you don’t mind it promptly suffocating in a modern atmosphere. There’s a reason you don’t get bugs that big these days. And while CB may not like creepy-crawlies, I don’t believe he’d do that to June.
“there’s something Kafka-esque about raising a responsible kid and ending up with a giant bug.”
*cracks up* *facepalms*
Literature jokes?! In a webcomic about videogames? My one weakness!
As someone who’s been through those trenches, all I can say is that is some very good dad-ing right there. Excellent job, Commander!
Honestly, Commander Badass might be my new role model for becoming a father…
eww… well my kids forced me to get over my worm phobia. we ended up having red wigglers in the kitchen doing “recycling”!
The Cadillac of worms?
Been a long time fan of the comic, never commented before. I just wanted to say that if more people raised their kid the way the Commander seems to be raising his daughter, the world would be such a better place.
The really scary thing is, I’m actually picking up a whole bunch of parenting tips from Commander Badass. As far as I can tell, he’s a damned good father.
Why is that scary? Plenty of worse choices (and that’s just counting the ‘real’ dads)
Nothing wrong with picking up parenting tips from a fictional father who is based on an extremely good real-life father.
You make me think of the massive storyline constructed for the ATARI centipede game.
“Giant” millipedes are slow, mild tempered, poisonous only when eaten, and weirdly cute herbivores.
“Giant” centipedes are fast, viciously ill-tempered carnivores that will poison you if you look at them cross eyed. Some giant centipedes are known to anchor themselves to the ground, walls or ceiling and use their two foot length of poison terror to bull-whip prey into submission. Yes, you look like prey to a giant centipede. Everything does.
I put giant in quotes because – Arthropleura. You could ride one of those like a millipede carpet. It’s kind of a shame things like that and the Dunkleosteus went extinct.
I’m fascinated. Where do these “giant” centipedes dwell? Sure, I could look it up on Google, but sometimes experts find delight in teaching others what they know, and I’m interested on hearing it. How do you know so much about the matter?
I believe they dwell in a very small and highly localized portion of South America…it has some rainforest in it. It’s near the Carribbean and stuff.
Don’t. There’s a species in the Amazon that lives in caves. They grow so big and long the bigger ones will go for bats.
Holy crimony, that’s pretty daring. What’s the success rate when they go for bats?
High enough, I guess. A cave full of bats is something of a target rich environment. I’m not anything like an expert, I just know about them because they used to show up at reptile shows for some reason. One crazy bastard (I mean that in the best way) in the waybackwhen had a pet giant centipede that walked around on him. He looked like someone with dermatographic urticaria had transliterated the Encyclopedia Britannica onto their arms in braille. He said that one was well behaved, ‘only mildly poisonous’ and that he had another type that made every effort to murderlash him when he opened it’s cadge to feed it. Hell, he could have just been putting one over on me, and this is my recollection as an impressionable kid from years ago. If you want to get an actual expert’s opinion on it search online or go to a reptile show.
Bats? Bats? We don’t need to worry about the ones that go after bats!
I spent the first minute of the video trying to figure out what was up with the snakes back/tail/end part and wondering when the centipede was going to show up. The moment of realisation was… disquieting, to say the least
Well, the bright side is that he raised a responsible young girl. Jared should go catch her a Scolipede or something.
Why? She already has one, unless you meant so she could learn buggy mating/reproduction
I assume she has a millipede, but not an actual Scolipede.
God now i’m thinking of agatha “the Bug Princess” from LOZ: Twilight Princess.
“A REAL BAD ASS TREATS WOMAN WITH RESPECT!”
Mr Torque
With that said i guess it also goes that a real commander Bad Ass treats children with respect
I <3 <3 <3 the Commander.
<3
awesome comic dad and a great story from the author. today is a good day
Awh! This is actually adorable. He seems like he’d be an amazing father.
My parents are big fans of logic, so my brother and I could pretty much get anything we wanted (within reason, obviously. I’m talking games or food here) so long as we could come up with a valid argument for it. For example, I finally won my Dad over to the idea of getting us a Gamecube when we were little by producing a study that showed gaming improves hand-eye coordination.
Is it me, or are Jonesy’s lips a bit more exaggerated than usual?
My dad still owes me a tarantula.
This is quite possibly the most heartwarming thing I’ve seen all week.
I like the way you draw Jones. All he male characters are exaggerated ultra men, but the we have this woman. She is just your average, attractive, but attainable woman. It is a nice contrast.
I think there have been some normal men, but almost always in the background. For example, the very first page has a normal guy… getting beaten by Kratos.
That said, it is kind of a nice reversal for most of the men to be ridiculous and the main female to be realistic (within the standards of the art style, anyway).
Jared, Mr. Fish, The millipede, and Commander’s kid go on fantastic animal adventures. Do want.
You say that the Commander’s giant millipede phobia is irrational, but he is a time travelling space marine. What if he has a legitimate reason to be terrified of millipedes?
I don’t know if you’re a parent or not but if you ever become one I bet you’re going to be totally fabulous at it coelisquid, if you’re at all like your characters!
I could have had all of the bugs I wanted, hissing roaches, trantulas, even lizards, but until I got my own house, I was never even allowed to think of getting a snake. Now I have three. But I do usually have a praying mantis as a pet every summer though.
Although I still have not gotten my rhinocerous beetle. One of these days.
I feel like the real gem here is the whole “Just because I hate millipedes doesn’t mean she should have to.” I love that, how the Commander is cool enough to try to teach his daughter how to accept people and their differences.
Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is a father.
Interestingly enough, Commander’s last line is sorta like my dad once said to me, only it wasn’t about millipedes but black people.
Commander for father of the year ladies and gentlemen.
This is why I love this comic. It’s hilarious on the surface, pokes a lot of fun, but also conveys important life lessons to carry with you, not just witty jokes.
Kelly, can we please see the giant millipede at some point? Pretty please? Possibly going after the Commander? :D
Commander is the hottest guy in comics. Then Wolverine, then Canadian Guy.
I have to admit, when I started reading MGDMT I never would’ve imagined the Commander would turn out to be one of the world’s greatest dads; but he definitely is, lol.
Definitely the right way to do it too. Raise your kids to be responsible, test their dedication & commitment, & even if it’s something that you don’t like, support them regardless & don’t hold something back just because you don’t like it …
Just another reason Commander Badass is so awesome ^_^
Oh man I hope this bug is a scoliopede. Or any one of it’s poke’family.
And suddenly, the Bechdel test was passed!
By a conversation…
About a creepy millipede that a big manly guy hates.
Man, the irony.
The Bechdel test was past years ago when Jonesey is playing Roller derby.
Aw, that’s not as funny, though. XD
you know, despite being the generic (very very very very) tough guy character, CB seems to be a better father than most i’ve met…
It’s probably the giant millipede from the GAME millipede.
Reading through the comments made me remember a story my mom told me. When she was a little kid, my grandparents had tons of animals and she asked for a pet pig. My grandfather said she could have one, but as soon as it got fat enough they’d turn it into bacon. She didn’t want that pig anymore.
Brilliant. I really appreciate how this cawmick about vidja geemz holds it’s own characters and story, to the point where there doesn’t NEED to be a “L0L le MeMe FacE INTRENENT JOKE” about the game of the day. It’s nice. It’s like when every once in a while there’d be a Calvin and Hobbes strip just about the parents. Good. Professional. 13/10. Round of claps.
He’s such a good dad! :3 Commander is so cool!
This page is my favorite thing.
Commander Badass oughta be called Badass Dad.
…
Is it bad that I really want to meet this friend of Coelasquid’s brother now? o.O