07/05/2010
July 5, 2010
12:00 am
STORY TIME; So once upon a time my roommates and I bought a crappy broken wireless router and named it “Commander Badass”. This just brought images to mind of this macho douchebag sitting on our couch and yelling at us every time we asked him if he could get back to work. Like “Hey commander Badass, think you could work today?” “SHUT UP WOMAN! I’LL WORK WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! GIRLS DON’T BELONG ON THE INTERNET! MAKE ME A SANDWICH!”
Two years later we have this comic and my router is still a broken piece of crap.
A very fitting 4th of july comic, I must say. AMERICA
5th of July. It isnt American at all
The 5th of July is completely omitted from calendars in the United States. Recognizing its status as a day only furthers the Space Commie cause.
So my birthday doesn’t exist?! Oh god…excuse me while I go reevaluate my life…
Lady, you WIN the Internet.
5th of July is in fact commie day
You are not wrong here. Also, space communism > everything.
Ah ah ah, this is why the west coast is still the best coast
I hear that!
And it ain’t the west coast unless it’s California. And it ain’t California if it ain’t Southern California.
You know this is right.
…best coast only until the San Andreas finally splits wide open & turns Nevada into the new beachfront property…
Can’t spell best coast without EST.
Deep fried beer cans? Awesome. The only way to cook. At least for me. Anything else is too much work.
What? You can’t make a salad? …Or you just can’t eat a salad?
Well, I certainly can’t cook a salad.
Make one….maybe.
Heating it just doesn’t sound so good to me. :P
Ever tried deep frying a salad?
Why not dump a jar of mayo on a salad and make chunky coleslaw? :D
Never under estimate how lazy a dude can be when they need to cook. Besides, deep frying adds flavour.
No tags today?
And it’s nice to know Mr.Fish is such a hardworking pokemon
Oh, I totally forgot.
That must be why Mr. Fish is such a sad sack. His hard work and copious efforts go unnoticed!
It makes sense that organization would let Mr. Fish work there, after all, he is a ridiculously macho guy. The place seems very accepting, they’ve hired on good guys, bad guys, undead guys, CANADIANS, even Steampuckified cyborgs in deep sea diving suits made of murder.
I can’t help but feel you capitalized Canadians because I would see it…
you may also have missed his name.
XD LOL Mr. Fish Rlz!
*pit pit pit*
the Jared shirt gets a new design? XD now looks like a pumpkin xD
Jared has a new t-shirt every day, he may be a teenage boy, but at least he changes his shirt.
the deep fried beer cans can be planted to grow an Oreo tree
Dear god. I need to try that.
So, when will these be available to the public?
uh… right now…
I went into the future to get them. I have 50 now
Jared’s face at the end…just priceless…
8D
Can I get that panel with Jared saying “I LOVE CAPITALISM” as an MSN dp?
I really wish I had that in time for the G20 last weekend, but alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.
yeah, have at it!
The second-to-last panel is just GLORIOUS. I love capitalism too, Jared!!
Though unfortunate, your router has gifted you with hard times and a fantastic idea to use in a comic.
We thank you for the pain and suffering you endured to inevitably give us laughter, joy, and capitalism-happy-face. <3
It saddens me that I cannot post comments BEFORE they are posted.
I could have been FIRST!
At least you’re NINETEENTH!
(I am very sad I actually counted the comments that preceded your timestamp…)
That’s devotion.
All of Jared’s faces are amazing. I never knew he had such range!
I just lol-ed in my pants.
That sound painful…
Second
I multiverse that….
I hope you at least have access to a change of pants…And access to laundry machines.
it’s official, i love this comic. i think i want that action figure. i also think i want to know if the deep-fried beer cans actually contain tiny drops of beer.
It contains deep fried beet of course.
Beer ^
Deep fried beets would be manlier. No sissy boy could choke them down.
You totally underestimate what sissy boys can choke down if they want to put effort into it.
The Punisher had a gun that shot swords.
It’s still no gun that shoots guns that shoot deep fried beer cans.
The manliest thing possible.
What? No gun that shoots guns that shoots more guns that continues to shoot guns in an endless loop?
No. That is just absurd.
Personally, I think the only way to top this is with some quantum gun that shoots bigger guns.
Guns that shoot bigger guns, that shoot robot-rainbow unicorns that explode on contact with your foes.
Rainbow unicorns of death, huh? Sounds like something my daughter would like.
I dunno. I kinda like Sam’s idea of a gun that shoots swords….. with CHAINSAWS IN THEM.
A gun that is handled by a cyborg walking shark I might add.
Apparently you can plant the deep-fried beer cans to make an Oreo tree. I heard that from a comment on here.
I love this comic. Found it on THAT IMAGEBOARD and… the plot is so interesting, characters awesome and and and eeeeeeeek! More!
All channers are welcome here, no need to hide the name.
IEFNM
A gun that shoots guns.
Amazing.
I know it’s horrible manners to ask you to do more work for free when you’re already making a free and hilarious comic every week, but oh my God please make another wallpaper of the “I LOVE CAPITALISM” frame (for a 1280-800 screen in particular). I can’t pay you in anything but even more adulation than I’m already laying at your feet like a happy dog with a newspaper in its mouth, but I hope that will be enough!
dude if you really want a wallpaper and don’t want to bother an already insanely hard working artist why not produce one yourself based off the panel?
or get a job and pay em or somthin>_> or donate ether way you can make another happy soul
Well, that answers my question regarding the “Badass” still being part of his name. And this is the first time I could really, truly relate to Jared.
Seconded.
I read that in Scruffy’s voice, from Futurama.
That’s what this comic needs, more Futurama. But Futurama first needs more manly characters, I think the only person they can offer is Zapp Brannigan.
No. Not even Zapp Brannigan. The guys here would mop the floor with Zapp Brannigan.
Bender. He is manly enough.
I can see Bender whole-heartedly enjoying a few deep fried beer cans.
Bender aka Coilet from Robonia? I don´t think so.
I always imagine the commander with Patrick Warburton’s voice. It just clicked to me in the third panel. XD Man I love this comic, I hope one day you can update more than once a week~
So you imagined the Commander as Brock from Venture Brothers?
Actually initially I thought of Kronk, but yes, he voices Brock too. And the Tick (live action). I dunno, pretty much any of his muscle man roles :P
Ah, The Tick. Fun times. Wonderful justice quotes. :D
Nigh impenetrable.
But…what if there is no spoon? What would the Tick’s battle cry be?
I imagine him sounding like “Jack Cayman” from MadWorld honestly. He looks a lot like him too!
I would not want to be the postman who got chased down the street by Mr Fish.
You should do a spinoff comic, wherein Jared makes wacky facial expressions for six panels. I would take time out of my busy schedule to read such work!
Excellent comic. It showcases the raw power of Capitalism *cue deep background beats*
I am so overjoyed that commies exist in the future in space! I was terribly afraid that with the fall of Russian communism and the turn of Chinese communism into a halfbreed of commiecapitalism it was going to die out.
You should sell commander figurines.
This sort of reminded me of the Vulcan Raven action figure that shoots those pellets in Metal Gear 2. EXCEPT HE NEVER STOPS SHOOTING THEM.
Mr. Fish is such a hard working Gyarados. Its good to see him getting on track and doing favors like getting the mail
Captialism – It’s awesome like that!
Rabies Jared is win!
Why can’t i have a cool title, Like Captain Rage D:<
Why don’t you give yourself one, Captain Rage?
I think i will :D
And then i felt guilt for trying to abandon the Net handle ive used for several years D:
Nonsense! You need only a sidekick who goes by a similar, yet different name! I pray you find him.
~Inflictor
i have learned two things: guns that shoot guns that shoot deep fried bear cans can NOT be an effective wepon, and aparently the write of this comic is female.
the more you know! :D
*monocle pop* I SAY!
*slapped with a fish* Okay okay. I’ll cut it out.
She is manly enough for me D:<
That didn't sound right, let me start over….
She isn't that girly D:<
…….
I'm battin' a thousand here.
I would Totally buy a Commander Badass action figure. ALL HAIL CAPITALISM!
Isn’t hailing capitalism a bit redundant?
Hailing is for commies D:<
That seems counter intuitive. I was of the opinion that redundancy means to repeat. I think you were looking to call it a moron of the oxy variety. :D
Yes of course >>
It’s also for Communications Officers…”Hailing frequencies open.”
Can you… Can you please put in Brock Samson? Pretty please?
Characters that are already more or less parodies don’t really have a place here, because then you aren’t really making fun of anything, you’re just straight-up using a copyrighted character.
It’s the comic equivalent of writing a parody of Venture bros. Or rewriting a Weird Al song.
yo dawg..i herd u liek parodies.
I turned the second-to-last panel into a Team Fortress 2 spray. It had to be stretched veritcally, but it looks great in-game.
Am i the only one asking himself the same question as in the last panel?
Yep, that’s just about the ultimate expression of capitalism. Very inspiring
i would be willing to make merch like that if i could only i could get the materails easier it would be at least 45 minute driv each way also i pissed myself at jareds expression
I’m curious too… where do those tiny guns keep coming from.
A rift in space time.
Somewhere Tiny men are losing a war because their guns vanish at the most critical time.
A war fought my firing deep fried beer at the enemy?
The only known weakness of Space Commie infantry.
Of course, Deep frying is the american way to serve death.
this whole reply line is epic. with the exeption of my ow n because i have nothing to add to it
C-c-c-combo breaker!
Second to last panel is basically a deal-breaker for me.
Deal as in “You dealed your cards right when you decided to start following this comic!”.
I’m too tired to understand what this means.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like? *head explodes*
Mind = blown
@Snazzy: I’m too awake (and sober) to understand what that means.
Dude, rules 1 and 2 man..
That’s some deep, philosophical shit right there. That will go with you to your death bed.
Hmm, I’m torn between calling you out for there being no raid, or support you in the fact that Rules 1 & 2 should be enforced more strictly to return the secrecy and exclusivity to the place in question.
You are both failing at hiding the fact that you are both 4-channers :D
I fail to see how any of this was even vaguely threatening to rules 1 and 2 aside fro the mentioning of said rules in particular…..
Neither did I.
Hell, the only similar phrase I could grasp of the original “offender” is ‘what is this i dont even’, and that ain’t such a crime. I mean, I use that and ‘cool story, bro’ in everyday speech (but do not say lawl, unless mocking a violator), and people are cool with it.
second last panel – wallpaper do want.
I like how Commander is aware of how ludicrous the extreme manliness around him is. It just puts the icing on the already hilarious cake.
Jared is now the single funniest web comic character i know. From now on i shall model myself after him, I need an Anaconda and a can of blue paint STAT!
Anacondas are too small, May i suggest the Lochness monster?
nessy has flippers though, i’ll just feed the Anaconda steroids that should do the trick
WELL… according to the pokedex Gyarados are 21 feet long and weigh 518 lbs.
Anaconda are up to 25 feet long and weigh over 550 lbs.
BUT the cartoon doesn’t even match the Pokedex, so why should I?
True dat
In the original (Red/Blue) versions, Gyarados was actually a Water/Flying type… which is so silly because it made electric attacks do x4 damage and yea… I’m gonna go play my GBC in a corner like a total nerd now.
Isn’t it still water/flying?
I think it’s a water/dragon type now.
THE INTERNET is saying it’s water/flying in D/P and HG/SS. Honestly, this was why I drew that “gyarados as every type” meme, I thought he was just water, then someone told me he was flying/Dragon and not water at all, and now I hear he’s water/flying, so I was like FUKKIT. GYARADOS IS EVERY TYPE.
Yeah he’s water/flying lol, and i think i’ll stand out a bit from Jared and paint my Gyarados/Anancoda red
Gyarados has always been a water/flying. Nonetheless, I think a living Red Gyarados statue would make for a truly epic rock/fire/dragon/water type Pokemon. Make it live only at night and it can plausibly be a dark type as well.
Sadly, I believe grass would still be super effective against this setup…..and fighting would deal x4 damage….
oooooor the original Gyarados can make a face like Mr. Fish and can be crowned pokymon champ then and there
Yes. He is and always has been water flying. If he had kingdra’s type combination he would literally be the best pokemon ever.
Nope still water and flying. Checked my pokedex D:
Mr.Fish though is a SadClown/Rage type
sure the cartoon matches, according to the pokydex you just have to remember that Ash is really only 4 feet tall.
I LOVE THIS COMIC AND I LOVE YOU
Love Feelings aren’t very manly
shed man tears of joy instead
Make sure you done a good ol killing spree before you do that
Or at least fix a car or something.
Once again, the expressions… So much win.
Jared’s shameless fanboying is an inspiration to us all.
I love Jared’s facial expression in the second to last panel. Also how there’s that little bit of foam in his mouth. Nice touch
Does this mean that if you don’t keep track of the mess, the Commander Badass figure will drown you in little tiny guns? Because what a way to die.
Even the child’s toy version of Commander is manly enough to kill you.
Small pieces not recommended for children under the age when they’ll keep track of this.
It shoots tiny guns…
I may weep with joy.
I NEED the second to last frame to be my desktop background. Please.
Captain badass is very posibbly the most AWESOME action figure i have ever wanted….
Correction, I have ever wanted to get into production ^_~
SORRY SORRY “Commander” Badass ¬_¬
Jared’s enthusiasm is contagious.
Dangerously so, Anacondas bite
A gun which shoots guns which shoot deep friend beer cans is second only to a gun which shoots shuriken and lightningbolts.
I want a Commander Badass action figure.
No, there is nothing manlier then a gun that shoots guns that shoot deep fried beer cans. And the star thrower lightning gun is already in mass production D: Now if we where gonna try to one up the gun gun beer lobber (TM) I would go with one that shoots guns, that shoot beer cans, that explode violently.
I particularly like that the gungun barely shoots a couple of inches. Safety first, kids! And no lawsuits!
Today’s kids would still find a way to poke someones eye out from thirty yards.
Panel 8 needs to be put on a shirt. Like right now. How much cash do I have to throw at you to make this possible? lol
I agree
Just caught up – so made of awesome. Totally here for the long haul now.
So, a gun that shoots littler guns which shoot deep-fried beer (-battered foods?) or something? Majorly Manly. Capital M type.
The best of manliness.
lol, Commander Badass actually looks pretty disconcerted about his own toy.
America – FUCK YEAH. loved it!!!!
The face jared makes on the last panel remind me of the awesome smiley. Dunno why. I’m Herbert Moon.
It’s the eye shape.
Indeed, but considering the circonstences I think that the gun that shoot gun that shoot deep fried beer can can make everything looking like it has the awesome face on it. I mean, Deep fried beer !
What does Jared Even do? How does he live?
picking up Cog Jockstraps is enough to pay for a basic cost of living along with feeding a giant sea serpent and managing to put aside money for a ticket home?
Will Jared be buying a one way ticket, or a round trip one? Will He Ever Get The Correct Levels Of Testosterone To Be Accepted As One Of The Guys?! Tune in next time to find out!
Giant sea serpents feed themselves, so that’s not really a problem… unless you like baby seals then its a problem
D: Not the baby harp seals I hope!
Now I know what this comic reminds me of!
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_weapons_that_dont_exist_but_should
I hope you realize how much I love you for this. >>b
I love your excellent grasp at expressions as well as choices, but for some reason in this comic I just especially love Jared’s joygasming ones in the sixth and final panels. A true kid in a toy/candy store.
As to the deep fried beer cans…heh
guess who spit out a bit from laughter at the I LOVE CAPITALISM! panel? irony much?
I don’t understand how that’s irony.
when will I be able to purchase this action figure?
This is my favourite strip. Makes me laugh every time. The gun shoots little guns that shoots deep fried beer cans :D.
Thanks and keep up the good work.
Coelasquid, you need to get Jared’s “I love Capitalism” face as a wallpaper, That would be uh- Damn it, I can’t use that word without paying the jar! :D
http://rapidshare.com/#!download|59l35|439154476|Song_of_storms_and_CoD_1_theme.mp3|9770
DO IT
DO IT
IT’S FUCKIN GLORIOUS
the bottom panel is my face now
I’d buy that action figure… And for some reason I always imagine the commander has the same voice as Has Stel Gato from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy… :p
pure boss. i am a fan of capitalism myself :’D
But Commander Badass is missing a capitalist enterprise. Imagine how much money he could make selling his limitless supply of deep-fried beercans that turn into oreo trees when you plant them. That’s almost as awesome as finding the crematorium where all your teachers were taken when they died and buying the ashes to use as fertilizer…or did I just give my weekend away?
Hey man, speaking as the progeny of two teachers, that ain’t cool.
Coelasquid, I cant help but laugh every time I read your comic. They’re funny and lift the mood, and the fact you take time from your already busy schedule to put one together weekly is amazing. Some people are giving you a bit of a hard time sometimes, but seriously, if you are doing something you like, dont let the haters put one dent on you, you’re creating stories that people love.
Waaaaaait a second. If Space Commies are the worlds biggest threat in the future, why is he wearing red?
Someone has probably already pointed this out, but have you seen the game Metagun? It was made by Markus Persson (creator of Minecraft) for a 48-hour challenge. In Metagun, you have a gun that shoots littler guns. The hard part is that those tiny guns are being held by tiny people who then try to kill you. And it’s your only weapon. And your primary defense is an indestructible fedora. For being made in one weekend, it’s pretty entertaining. It’s free to play somewhere on Mojang’s website.
Now if only the main character in that was the Commander, it would be awesomeness overload…
Now I’m imagining a tiny Commander with a gun that shoots out tinier Commanders, and I think I just fried something in my brain.
Jared’s face in the last panel. :3
Still wish panel 8 was a background.
I’d buy that for a dollar
I want that second-to-last panel as a desktop background. :)